Thursday, August 11, 2011

A More Scholarly Reflection

I think too much.

I really do.

I think that's why I can stand to be alone with small children for long periods of time without adult interaction. 

I'm in my head all of the time.

I converse with myself over things that most people NEVER think about in their life.

I sometimes feel pity for myself as if I should try to be something other than what I am. 

I try to be "normal."

Can someone please tell me what normal is?

I feel weird when I get REALLY excited about sitting on the front porch early in the morning.

I feel flakey when I get excited about seeing a new kind of bird perched on our bird feeder or that pesky squirrel run across the top of the fence.

I feel like a space cadet when I spend hours on my back in the middle of the yard staring at the tree limbs against the bright blue sky.

I feel like a complete NERD when, at the end of the day, I throw on my PJs and get WAY TOO EXCITED about reading in bed!

Am I weirdo?

Don't answer that. 

I know I'm not REALLY that weird and that there are people in the world that find those things intriguing but it is hard to find those people and converse with them when you have the demands of parenthood ALL OF THE TIME.

Is it normal to get so excited about knowledge?

I love to learn!

That has been the HARDEST part of this Stay At home Mom adventure for me, not going to seminary, not being IN SCHOOL, not having intellectually stimulating conversations on a daily basis.
(see told you I was strange)

I enjoy this role of stay at home mother but I do so miss my scholarly self.
It's so hard to form thoughts when you have two children that honest to goodness need your undivided attention. The time I do have to myself is spent at the fitness center running off tension and trying to keep my heart strong so I CAN be the best mom I am able to be.

Is it weird that I get a tad bit jealous when Roger gets his syllabi at the beginning of the semester?

I sometimes look through his reading list and READ the books for the classes he is taking.
When he gets home from class I bug him to death with questions about the lectures and ask to see the class notes.

We found out after 2 years of BOTH of us attending seminary at the same time that it WAS NOT conducive to a good marriage.  We had the most ridiculous fights about who got to study when and for how long and who was responsible for the children. 
"But my paper is due before yours and I NEED you to watch the kids so I can research for it."  
"But I have a TEST TOMORROW that I haven't been able to study properly for."

It was CRAZY.

One of us had to make the sacrifice to put off our schooling until the other one got out of seminary.

I figured he was closer to graduating and since I wanted to pursue a career in Marriage and Family Therapy that the BEST lab would be my own home so I dropped out.

I was correct in calling my home a LAB.  

I have learned so much about marriage, family and myself!

I guess you could call these years that I have spent at home tending to the clan as my pilgrimage. 
It has really changed me for the better and it continues to change me. 

However,  I would be telling a fib if I didn't admit that I think I got the better end of the deal with Roger. While he is slaving away at full time school I am having the time of my life (on most days) raising two absolutely hilarious and inspiring children. 
You can't get these years back. 
I can always go back to school. 

Plus it is nice to have something to look forward to. To have a goal!

I'm not sure where I will end up career wise, if I'll be a chaplain in the hospital or a marriage and family therapist or even a minister in a church but I'll always be a mother and a wife first and for most. 

That is my main calling!

As Mother Teresa would tell the young girls who asked to join her in Calcutta, you have to start where you are and where you are is in your home with your family, after that reach out to your neighbor, then your community and then, and only then, the world. 
"Let us make our homes real places of love so that we can overcome any hatred. Love begins at home—--everything depends on how we love one another at home. Do not be afraid to love until it hurts because this is how Jesus loved.
Our homes will be what we make them, fervent or tepid, fruitful branches or dry branches. Help one another live in God’s love and you will spread the fragrance of his love everywhere."
-mother T

"We are commanded to love God and our neighbor equally, without difference. We don’t have to look for the opportunities to fill this command, they’re all around us, twenty-four hours a day. You must open your eyes wide so that you can see the opportunities to give wholehearted free service right where you are, in your family. If you don’t give such service in your family, you will not be able to give it to those outside your home."
-mother T

It was nice to type out my thoughts because I have to search deep within to get my true feelings out. 
I feel more like a person when I get the opportunity to process my thoughts and I  begin to feel less like the jungle gym and play thing that my children believe me to be.

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