Monday, February 24, 2014

An entire post about my lack of brain power

I figure one day I will start writing seriously, after all, I have been encouraged by numerous people to take this writing thing seriously, but for now, . . .  what ev. 

This blog space is just that, a space.

It is my little closet that I open up every now and again to let people into the inner workings of my brain. 

To prove that there really is something going on in the brain?  possibly.

I have lots of internal dialogue going on up in this here head. LOTS.  Our Sunday School class got a small glimpse of it yesterday when i unknowingly started talking to myself out loud.Seiously, no kidding, I walked across the room to get something and started verbalizing what I was thinking in my head. But maybe that's not THAT strange because as I type this one of my professors is walking past the window talking to himself. Maybe it means I'm SMART!

However, the other day I ended up in my driveway having no recollection of how I got there. It was like I had been magically transported to my house from the fitness center. Scary, I know!

Yesterday was the 1yr anniversary of the family tragedy (look back at the post from Feb 2013). I attribute the above behavior to my internal stress over that upcoming date. Now that the day has come and has passed a sense of relief surrounds me. I had been dreading that day for some time. When a crisis of that magnitude rocks a family the after effects are felt for many generations. I guess I am nervous about the after effects, the ripples in the family system, that will be present from years to come. It's almost as if I am trying to stop the waves even though I know there is no controlling how each of us is effected by this crisis.

I can, however, be conscious of how I handle this situation with our children. Paul and Anna are old enough that this crisis has left a mark on them. They will grow up with that tragic story as a part of their own personal story. They remember that day. They remember seeing kyle and kody in the coffins. They remember me sitting them down to explain what happened. How I conduct myself, how those family members whom they look to for guidance conduct themselves, will have a lasting effect on how they will handle grief in years to home. That is scarey for me to think about. I have these 2 little people that are being formed as human beings in the midst of all of this.

Tomorrow I have my first meeting with my therapist.  I really feel that I need someone outside of the family, who is a trained professional, to help me process some stuff. I can't express to you how excited I am to meet with her tomorrow. BEYOND GIDDY!   

Now, back to the topic I started with, the lack of seriousness in my writing at this point in my career. Sorry about that.  It just takes too much brain power to write anything serious and I need to use that brain power to write grad school papers.   It's just the fact of life right now. I live and breathe Seminary in between the whole living and breathing raising children and keeping a marriage.  I have conversations with myself via a blog post because it takes too much brain power to have a conversation w/ humans, or  to do school work between classes after I have already been at it for 12hrs and STILL have 5 more hrs until I am back home in Etown.   

And sorry if there are any typos, or bizarre sentences, or if this post makes no sense at all, refer back to that first sentence I typed.   Brain power, editing takes too much brain power. 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I caught a potato on fire

As you know, when the semester starts this space turns into a venting box. It is my bag in which to breathe so I don't pass out.

I am overwhelmed.    At the moment I am VERY overwhelmed.

Roger works late tonight, the kids are in a CRAZY mood, and I just caught the microwave on fire.  BIG TIME fire.  In like, smoke everywhere and flames visible.

I caught a potato on fire.  Yes, HOT potato.  VERY hot potato.

The kids have homework out the wazoo and I am trying very hard to be patient with them. Thus far they have been very adamant about NOT doing it.  I'm tired. I've been working on my own homework ALL DAY.

Riddle me this batman, where does all this energy that the kids have come from?    I asked them if they had recess today and both children told me that they did not.  What is up with that?   The 2nd grader said his teacher told him that they had too much work to take a recess.  WHAT????    I keep having issues with this teacher not giving the 2nd graders a recess.

I digress.

Both of these kids feel the need to be in constant motion and either singing or yelling.  Who knew it could be so fun to jump from couch to couch singing strange songs that you make up?   I tried it the other night, just for the hell of it.  The kids got really quiet and asked if I was ok. yes, I said, I was ok, just wanted to show them what I have to deal with on a daily biases.  They just laughed and proceeded to jump from couch to couch.   I gave up.

Do not take this post in the wrong way.  I love being a mother, a student, a wife of a man who stays late at work to council those in need, I'm just tired and need to vent, publicly for some reason. 

Now, excuse me, the 8yr old is chasing the dog around the house with a dirty sock.  

Did I mention that the 5yr old is mad at me because she has yet to be called for a casting call?  you can't make this stuff up.  The child is determined that she WILL be in a movie. She can't figure out why her mother hasn't gotten her in a movie yet.

Oh dear lord, the 5yr old just smacked the 8yr old with fake flowers and the dog just ran by carting the dirty sock in his mouth. I guess I need to get back to parenting.  This has been a nice break!