I figure one day I will start writing seriously, after all, I have been encouraged by numerous people to take this writing thing seriously, but for now, . . . what ev.
This blog space is just that, a space.
It is my little closet that I open up every now and again to let people into the inner workings of my brain.
To prove that there really is something going on in the brain? possibly.
I have lots of internal dialogue going on up in this here head. LOTS. Our Sunday School class got a small glimpse of it yesterday when i unknowingly started talking to myself out loud.Seiously, no kidding, I walked across the room to get something and started verbalizing what I was thinking in my head. But maybe that's not THAT strange because as I type this one of my professors is walking past the window talking to himself. Maybe it means I'm SMART!
However, the other day I ended up in my driveway having no recollection of how I got there. It was like I had been magically transported to my house from the fitness center. Scary, I know!
Yesterday was the 1yr anniversary of the family tragedy (look back at the post from Feb 2013). I attribute the above behavior to my internal stress over that upcoming date. Now that the day has come and has passed a sense of relief surrounds me. I had been dreading that day for some time. When a crisis of that magnitude rocks a family the after effects are felt for many generations. I guess I am nervous about the after effects, the ripples in the family system, that will be present from years to come. It's almost as if I am trying to stop the waves even though I know there is no controlling how each of us is effected by this crisis.
I can, however, be conscious of how I handle this situation with our children. Paul and Anna are old enough that this crisis has left a mark on them. They will grow up with that tragic story as a part of their own personal story. They remember that day. They remember seeing kyle and kody in the coffins. They remember me sitting them down to explain what happened. How I conduct myself, how those family members whom they look to for guidance conduct themselves, will have a lasting effect on how they will handle grief in years to home. That is scarey for me to think about. I have these 2 little people that are being formed as human beings in the midst of all of this.
Tomorrow I have my first meeting with my therapist. I really feel that I need someone outside of the family, who is a trained professional, to help me process some stuff. I can't express to you how excited I am to meet with her tomorrow. BEYOND GIDDY!
Now, back to the topic I started with, the lack of seriousness in my writing at this point in my career. Sorry about that. It just takes too much brain power to write anything serious and I need to use that brain power to write grad school papers. It's just the fact of life right now. I live and breathe Seminary in between the whole living and breathing raising children and keeping a marriage. I have conversations with myself via a blog post because it takes too much brain power to have a conversation w/ humans, or to do school work between classes after I have already been at it for 12hrs and STILL have 5 more hrs until I am back home in Etown.
And sorry if there are any typos, or bizarre sentences, or if this post makes no sense at all, refer back to that first sentence I typed. Brain power, editing takes too much brain power.