Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Confessions of A Stay- at- home Mother

I find the majority of my day is spent trying to convince 2 small children that MY ideas are the best..... "Playing with the train set is a MUCH better idea than drawing on the wall Anna....... Paul, I'm sure you would have a LOT MORE FUN if you shared that with your little sister."

I confess....... I get REALLY tired of it.  

I get tired of.
"Paul SERIOUSLY stop flying your little helicopters around my head. My head isn't the landing pad."

My brain says to me "JESSICA I NEED YOU TO USE ME."

I say back to my brain "i do use you! Just in a different way."

Roger came home for lunch today and tried to talk to me about how precious the kids are being "I'm sorry Roger but I am trying to think at the moment about the schedule I need to keep today and I haven't been listening to a word you've said."

I then had to explain to him that there are CONSTANTLY things like "oh no... I need to hurry and get lunch cleaned up so I can get the kids ready for a nap so that I can start dinner so that I can feed them before church tonight so that they won't be cranky..........  oh crap I forgot they both need baths"

MY BRAIN hurts from constantly using it yet I feel like I never use it.

So strange

I feel so overwhelmed yet so bored.

I feel smothered yet lonely.

There are children talking to me ALL DAY LONG yet I feel that I never really get to have a conversation.

This morning as I was trying to get everyone out the door so I could drop Paul off at preschool, Anna decided to throw a MASSIVE 2 year old fit. The fight began when she declared VERY LOUDLY that she wanted to wear ONLY her panty hose.  Then began the fight to put on her clothes.  

At one point she slapped me hard in the face, grabbed her pants out of my hand and tried to rip them with her teeth.  TIME OUT ANNA.

6 time out sessions later I got her clothes on.

Paul was late to preschool.

As I was dropping him off, Anna all smiles by this point, I couldn't help but think "how in the WORLD do working moms do this."  I kept my cool with Anna's tantrum mainly because I had no where else to go. I didn't have to go to work and Paul doesn't HAVE TO go to preschool. My work is to TEACH my child how to behave so I worked with Anna this morning TEACHING her that when mommy says to do something..... YOU DO IT.

I remember when Paul was 2 years old and I DID have a job. In fact, I was still in college during the day and had a job at night. I remember getting tardy notices from professors and crying "but my 2 year old was throwing a fit and I couldn't get him into the car.  PLEASE PLEASE I can't have ANOTHER TARDY  no no no please don't deduct my grade PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I have worked so hard for that grade "

There was a point when I actually dropped all of my classes but several professors convinced me to stay in college "you can bring your child to class if you need to. I understand"

What I am saying is that I was a working mother before I was a full-time, down in the trenches, mother. 
Although I find being a stay at home mother VERY tedious at times, I can't help but be amazed with working mothers.  Especially working mothers of little little little ones. 

I was talking to another stay at home mom the other day. She said, "i sometimes wish I could just go back to work and pay someone else to do this."  The "this" she was referring to was caring for the child ALL DAY LONG. 

I understand her. I have had those days where I am like "it would be so much easier to pick them up in the evening, feed them and put them to bed instead of doing "this" all day long."

But then I hear mothers who work outside of the home talking about how hard it is to be away from their children for so long and how they yearn to be able to stay home to raise the kids.

No matter what you do, being a mother leaves you feeling at times, aggravated and guilty.
I start feeling guilty when I become aggravated and aggravated when I become guilty. 

I'm learning that this is normal and not a sign that I need to check myself into a mental hospital. 

I am not a career stay at home mother. Once the kids are in school I am "outta here."
I haven't quite decided what exactly I want to be when I grow up but I will definitely go back to school for my masters in something related to my undergrad degree.... psychology.

Roger and I joke all the time how if I decided to open a Marriage and Family clinic it is awesome that I will know two lawyers in town and a minister!  I might get a LOT of referrals!  "I know this great marriage and family therapist right around the corner that I would like for you all to see."   

And that therapist would be ME!!

Every day I try to focus on the joys that i have in my life. The wonderful opportunity I have to get to care for my children while they are still in this small delicate stage.

But days like today when I am CRAVING going back to school it is so hard to keep focused.

Well, I guess i better get back to ....... oh wait.... they are both taking a nap!!!


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