Monday, September 12, 2011

I am having one of THOSE mondays.
A monday in which it seems as if the whole world is crashing down on my shoulders and all I want to do is run away.

There is no doubt that I have an immense amount of responsibly trying to manage two small children, a house and a husband.  But so does everyone else.
My main problem this morning is lack of sleep.
I am exhausted.
Who's fault is that?
I stayed up until midnight last night trying to soak in ever ounce of me time.
My body was aching from the day and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch ALONE in a quite house.
I am now paying for the midnight me time with complete and total exhaustion.
I have so many things that need getting done today along with taking care of Anna.

The only problem is that when I am this tired I become so overwhelmed with the smallest of tasks that it begins to feel as if there is no way out.  I retreat into my depressed, anxious state and begin feeling sorry for myself that I am stuck here alone with the kids.
I start getting mad that I have had to make so many sacrifices in this role as wife and mother.
Resentments that are not usually there begin to appear and I become angry at this whole situation.

This morning it took Anna walking up to me, giving me a hug and asking what was wrong, for me to snap out of my "poor me" pity party.
I've talked to enough stay at home mothers to know that these feelings that pop up within me are not unusual.  
It comes with the job. 
 There are just going to be times that the, what I call, demons, get the best of ya.    
The hardest part of being a SAHM is not the child rearing, though that can be INCREDIBLY tough on certain days, it is the lack of respect from the outside world, the loneliness, and the loss of voice.

My biggest demon is not lack of respect or support, I feel that I am surrounded by a wonderful supportive group of people that love and care for me.  My demon that I fight each day is the loss of voice.
I sometimes feel all people see when they look at me is THE MOM and Wife when I am so much more than that.

They hardly ever see the girl with a BA in psychology with two years experience working in the mental health field.
The girl who is pursuing a Master of Divinity in hopes of one day working as a hospital chaplain and/or a pastoral counselor in a clinic.

It's just that I don't really get much of an opportunity to do anything other than the wife and mom role so I feel like a BIG part of myself is constantly pushed off into the back ground.  Like I have packed up THAT SELF into boxes and one day, when the kids are older, I'll unpack them.

I don't like that feeling.

That's my major frustration.  My major demon that I fight.
I have plenty of self worth and I am surrounded by supportive people but I don't really have anything to channel the other aspects of myself into.

I've thought a lot about doing some volunteer work around town but with two little ones and a husband in school when am i going to find the TIME.
It's just not realistic at the moment.

I do so love being able to be MOM and WIFE but I do so miss the other parts of ME.

That part of me yearns to shine through.

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