It has been a very emotional day for me.
This morning I took my 3 year old daughter Anna to the cardiologist.
While at a resent check up the pediatrician heard a murmur while listening to Anna's heart.
With my heart history, when the pediatrician heard the murmur she immediately referred us to a cardiologist.
(I was born with Transposition of the Great Vessels. Had open heart surgery at 3 months of age. Had 2 stents placed in my heart at 15 years of age followed by a dual chamber pacemaker)
My BIGGEST fear, besides not being able to have children, has been having a child with a heart defect. I would inevitably blame myself no matter how many times I would hear "it's not your fault."
The drive to Louisville was very teary.
I was exhausted from the morning of getting myself and two children dressed and out the door in time to drop Paul off at school and to stop by the ATM.
I was overwhelmed with frustration that I had to do this major thing alone since Roger had class all day.
And I was consumed with worry over the "what if."
I tried turning on what Paul calls "the Jesus Music" to calm myself down and get into a state of prayer while I drove but that music makes me so sad when I'm already sad. Song after song of tear jerking lyrics forced me to put on some James Taylor.
I have a sore spot on the inside of my mouth from chewing on it all morning long.
I was THAT nervous.
I tried to mask my fears for Anna.
I didn' let her see me crying and I talked with excitement to her about going to the cardiologist.
"they're going to take a small camera and look inside your body right at your heart. Isn't that so cool?! You'll get to see your heart Anna. Not many kids get to see the inside of their bodies!!!"
Anna was nervous as well.
"mom are they going to rip my skin off to see my heart?"
She had an EKG and an Echo Cardiogram....... then we waited on the doctor.
I had originally tried to get her set up to see MY cardiologist but after several attempts I gave up and went with the physician available.
As soon as the doctor walked in and introduced herself she patted me on my leg and said "Just so you know. We didn't find anything. Her heart looks good." before talking to me further.
My shoulders eased up and the breath, that I had no clue I was holding, began to flow again.
As the doctor was listening to Anna's heart she began to have a concerned look on her face.
She kept turning Anna in certain positions and listening to her heart.
The doctor finally gave me a concerned look and said "that is a REALLY BIG murmur. Would you mind if we take a closer look at one of her valves with the echo cardiogram?"
We undressed Anna and the doctor took over for the tech, looking at her heart.
She kept saying "humm. yeah. hummm. we need to look closer at that. humm. yeah. look at that."
I just held Anna, trying to prepare myself for the worst. Trying to hold back the tears that were escaping from my eyes. Trying not to be angry that Roger was not there with me.
The doctor then turned to me and said "everything looks really good. Her valve looks just like they should. I just don't understand why she has that big of a murmur. I mean, that is REALLY a significant murmur but everything looks good here and she's not giving any signs of anything so I think she's alright!"
As soon as I got into the car and Anna had fallen asleep, I burst into tears.
It's been a long day.
I'm ready for a bubble bath and some A&W rootbeer!