I have been back and forth on whether or not to type this out but then I ran into someone from college this afternoon and decided that it might even help other people if I was just honest about some things. With my husband being a minister I kinda have to watch what I say and what I type. I tend to put my foot in my mouth and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel a certain way. However, life the past couple of months has been strange. I just broke my favorite tea cup and I want to curl up in a ball to cry. See, that is strange.
I am plagued with an intense amount of anxiety. I have no outlet other than running that helps. But the thing is is that I can't run all day long every single day. I want to get up in the morning, run until evening, take a shower, curl into the bed with a good book and fall asleep. Then I want to get up the next day and do it all over again. I know why I am going through all of this but I can't seem to keep my mind on the positive enough to deal with the negative. There are so many things going on. Good things mind you, but still so many things. Then when you add two small children to the list of things that are going on, my mind feels like it is going to explode. But Instead of exploding I just feel tired and in need of a turn off button. I'm in need of a stranger to just let me cry in their arms until we both realize how awkward it is for me to be crying in their arms.
I'm happy but just so anxious. The inside of my mouth hurts so bad from were I have been chewing on it without realizing it.
Just a few things that have been on my mind:
- possibly moving to a new town, having to sell our house and buy another one. How am I going to pack a house with two small children?
- whether or not Paul is ready for kindergarten. He was evaluated this week and I really think he would do better if I just held him off another year. If we move, what preschool or kindergarten will Paul go to? How will Paul handle the whole transition?
- Roger is taking the youth on a mission trip next week and over half the youth are too busy to even try to go but I am going to be left alone with the kids for a whole week while he takes those few that can. It is a great mission trip and I just hate that most of them can't even go because summer seems to be completely packed full for everyone.
- This summer I am suppose to have a new pacemaker put in and I have no clue how that is going to even work with the job transition like it is and the kids to take care of. I'll have to have someone help me with the kids or at least drive me to and from the hospital while Roger is gone.
- Our head minister at the church we are currently in was forced out, an intrem was brought in and now the intrem has left. I really like both of those people and I miss them terribly.
- one of my brothers, who just got married, is graduating from high school while the other one is getting ready to get married right after graduating from college. My mom is trying to handle all this change with grace but it is still pretty hard for her.
I know most people have tons of stuff that's on their minds and I am no different. Most days and weeks I manage pretty well but there are those times when I can't seem to find the shutoff button and I walk around like a zombie. This week has been that way. I'm too tired to do anything because I can't manage to get any sleep yet I want to have the energy to go for long runs to escape the thoughts. I'm just trying my best to live each day in peace but I'm telling ya, when I walk into the kitchen to make me some hot tea and I end up breaking my favorite tea cup, all the thoughts seem to pile up on me at once. I am just watiting for the day when we figure out what is going to happen in our lives. Are we moving to another church? Are we headed to Texas for some PhD work? Or are we staying put? I'm all for reverting back to childhood and living in my parent's basement and letting them take care of us!!!! I don't think they'll be ok with that however. :(
Is it weird when you feel like your whole life is one big mission trip? I don't think so, but I would like to take a sabbatical every now and then. Speaking of, we are headed to North Carolina in a couple of weeks for the Cooperative Baptist Convention and I am so excited that I could cry tears of joy. Roger has a scholarship through the seminary that pays for it but we are going a few days ahead of time to R-E-S-T and center ourselves. Plus the convention was a lot of fun last year so I am looking forward to catching up with friends, exploring a new city, learning a bunch of cool stuff and being surrounded by like minded people. Being in the ministry can be lonely sometimes. The isolation of people not wanting to get too close to the minister or his family is kinda hard sometimes so it is nice to be around people who don't care to chill out with the "church people." :) People who realize we are just people like them who happen to work in the church. That we aren't some other life form. that cracks me up!! I crack myself up. I guess that's good. Right?