Sunday, February 5, 2012

This Too Shall Pass?

There is one of me and 2 of them.  
I am exhausted.  I am totally burnt out at the moment.  
I'm to that burnt out point where their cute little voices are annoying the heck out of me.  
I actually told Anna no when she asked me to play Cinderella with here.  I usually agree to be the evil step mother and give her crazy chores to do around the house, speaking to her in a over the top mean voice, but I just can't muster up the energy this afternoon to play that part.

She decided to play it anyway.

Like every single mother in the world, I am sure I'm not alone in feeling guilty for comparing my children's voices to ice picks stabbing into my brain.   "hey mommy. hey mommy. hey mommy."  followed by a long sentence about how the other sibling it bothering them, is driving me nuts.   Right now, as I type this, they are standing behind my chair playing imaginative play VERY LOUDLY.  They are pretended they are dog catches. I am the dog.   The super tired, really annoyed dog, that doesn't want to be caught.

They just got tired of pretending that I am the dog and are now chasing the real dog (Jimmy) through the house.  The noise level is deafening.  I just asked them, from my perch on the couch, to stop.  

I try to go other places in the house to find some peace but, being my biggest fans, they follow me, insisting that they be within an arms reach of me.  I thought at 6 and almost 4 years of age that this baby tendency would go away.  So far, it hasn't and it is so annoying at times. 

The dog is even in on it.

Last night when we got home I was so beat up from the yelling and screaming from P and A that I locked myself in the bathroom.  I poured myself a hot bubble bath, using the lavender baby shampoo for my bubbles of course, placed a folded towel behind my head and fell asleep in the nice hot water.   Roger, finding me passed out in the tub, took the hint and put the kids to bed all by himself.

This too shall pass?

I am an introverted person.  I thrive on alone time.  Often my days are full of nonstop childhood chatter. After days and days and DAYS of that, I start to completely loose my mind and fantasize about running away.  Just running out the door with my tooth brush, knitting supplies and a few of my favorite books. 

I start looking up how much old airstreams go for.

I always feel so awful for having these feelings even though I KNOW most parents experience these same thoughts off and on.  It is so taboo to talk about it though isn't it?  Especially in the company of those who are trying, without luck, to have a small child of their own.  For those who have yet to experience the child who decides it is a good idea to poop in the driveway(click), or the child who decorates the new flat screen TV with a sharpie, or the child that talks NONSTOP 24/7, I guess it would be easy to think children are always bundles of joy and to get mad when those whom have them start complaining about them.  

In all honesty, that's not the stuff that REALLY annoys me.  Those things kinda make me giggle. I realize kids do things while growing up that is a bit nuts so I went into this whole parenthood thing kind of expecting that, looking forward to that.   The thing that I was NOT prepared for is my brain having to constantly be on. Having to always have my eyes and ears WIDE open for the specific noises of my children. The demanding responsibility of raising 2 children so close in age.  The constant redirection. The work that I have to do in order to be able to simply go to the bathroom without a child standing at the door talking.   I guess I was a naive 20 year old?

Once again, I feel like such an awful person for even complaining about this.  Most of the time I am so incredibly grateful for their really loud little noises that fill our home. 

At the end of the week my senses become overwhelmed.  
I start feeling stuck.  A bird locked in a cage "GET ME OUT OF HERE."

This too shall pass?

Yes, this too shall pass. 

 I know that in a few years, when I am sitting by the hospital bed of a grieving family*, that I will look back on this precious time (and not so precious time) in my life that my one and only job was to be their mother and a supportive wife to their father.  That small little thought helps me get through the days when all I want to do is run away.

*I'll be heading back to seminary to work on my Master of Divinity in pastoral care and counseling in order to someday in the near future  work as a Pediatric Hospital Chaplain. 

This isn't the ONLY reason why I LOVE my husband.

While I was at the library he snuck over and put  flowers my car.
When I got home he had the wine waiting for me.

In the words of my late grandfather, "He's a good little feller, now isn't he!"


  1. I think you are very brave to put your heart out there about something most mommas are too ashamed to admit (which is that our kids sometimes drive us crazy.) You are a wonderful mother, wife and friend! Hang in there!

  2. I've spent the entire day wishing I could shove everyone out of my house so I could have some peace and quiet to possibly read a book or knit on the million projects I have going on.

    Wanna guess if that happened or not?

    This was good for me to read today. You're right. This too shall pass. At one point they will no longer be this needy and I'll miss it all.

    And way to go Roger! He knows what's up.

    (It was good to see you yesterday.)