Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dr Mamma Jay

YAY!!!  I feel so accomplished as a mother.  Let me explain.  Paul has been constipated off and on for a good year. The child sucks the poo up in their because he is "too busy playing" and when he finally lets me know how bad he needs to poo it is already too late.  He had gotten himself all constipated.  So, we have been playing Doctor to try and help the poor little feller.

However, today was a little different.  After giving him a children's laxative to soften up the stool for two days with no results I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Oh boy.  When I was little my mom always put a little bit of soap in my butt and held my checks together to get my muscles to start working.  I've done it with Paul before but the problem today was that I couldn't find any bars of soup around the house. Go figure.  We use the gel stuff and the magic puff things.  So, I thought and thought while listening to Paul scream in agony "I have poo in my body.  Oh I have a head ache."  My response "Paul, that's your belly.  Not your head.  So, you have a belly ache."

Then it came to me after the brief thought of "His intestines are going to explode.  Hurry we'll take him to the ER." I decided to take an old medicine dropper of Anna's, fill it with water and squirt it up his butt. I know. I know.  Sounds a bit dangerous and REALLY nasty. But anyway, let's continue.  So, I threw Paul over my knees, put some handy vaseline on his butt and on the dropper and slowly squirted water into his tiny little butt hole. "Man, I decided to drop out of nursing school for fear that I would have to do something like this and look at me. I am squirting water up someone's butt. Maybe I should have worked harder in anatomy"

After holding his butt checks together for a bit I had him waddle over to the toilet and "push that water otta that hole son."  And what do know, the child produced the biggest crap I have ever seen.  "Man, how does such a HUGE thing come out of such a tiny boy??"  He jumped off the toilet yelling "TA DA  I POOOOOED!!!  IT's HUGE MOM!!!"   "YES it is son.  Yes it is.  You totally deserve a sucker for that one."  "No, mom, I deserve a piece of candy.  A huge piece of candy."  "Alright."

So, we high fived, did a little dance, ran down stairs and after calling Roger to announce the BIG news, enjoyed a yummy piece of chocolate candy!! What a productive day!

As I was writing this I heard Anna screaming in her room.  I had laid her down for a nap about 45 min ago. I went in to check on her and found that she had somehow gotten her leg stuck in between the bars of her crib. First thought "CALL 911.  The child is completely stuck."  Then I proceeded into the bathroom for the ever so handy coco butter lotion that I used while I was pregnant to prevent stretch marks.  Turns out it also helps get chubby baby legs out from between bars of cribs.  I can see the add now "Does your fat baby get his or her leg stuck in their crib often. Coco butter only 12.99"  She's ok. I'm ok and my mother esteem has been boosted.  "I have saved both of my children today."  Dang I am AWESOME


  1. I will never look at you the same again. Wow. But good job. But nasty.

  2. You are cracking me up:) Seriously, give that child some Miralax. Ben takes half a cap full daily, to keep everything.. er.. working smoothly:)