As most of you know, I have been feeling pretty bad. They bumped my cardiologist appointment up from June to tomorrow.
I am scared. I always am when I don't feel good and have no clue what is going on.
I am a positive person about many things in life but when it comes to my heart I am super negative. I dwell on the what if's. I get scared that my time is up and I will not be able to see my children grow into adulthood. I get scared that I will live but that I'll be too sick and tired that I'll have to spend every second of the day in a bed. Will I go slowly or will I go unexpectedly. Who will take care of my little family?
That thinking is just CRAP. I just have to keep telling myself that thinking like that just causes more harm than good. It gets me stressed out and puts extra strain on my heart. I am pretty darn healthy. I have blessed!!!
But, when I just don't feel right, when I am tired and out of breath, when my arms and lips start to tingle when I walk up the stairs, I get really scared.
I want my energy back. I want to be able to run and play and not feel like I am going to fall over. I want to stand up and not feel dizzy. I want to go to the cardiologist tomorrow and immediately know what's wrong.
That's the hard part. Last time I was feeling horrible it took 3 different cardiologist and several years to figure out that I needed a certain type of medicine and a pacemaker. It is so aggravating to feel like crap and the doctor look at you and say "well, I don't know." I want to scream "WELL, FIGURE IT OUT" but instead I politely say thank you as I go to the bathroom in tears.
At least I have my husband to go with me tomorrow. He wasn't going to be able to go because he has finals tomorrow but after seeing my teary face he thought it best I not go alone. Just sitting in the waiting room alone brings me to tears. I still have to go to a pediatric cardiologist because of my condition and seeing those little babies and little kids with heart conditions just makes me sad. It's hard for me. The little 4 year old that has to be pushed in a wheel chair and has oxygen on, all tiny looking. I don't want to see that. I can't stand to see that. It hurts me. Why do they have to suffer so much? Why is there all this suffering?
it just hits too close to home.
Maybe I should rethink working as a chaplain in hospital. I've already been told to stay away from the pediatric units when I start my CPE. But I don't know. Maybe I should stay away from the hospital in general and work in a clinic. I'm just too emotional.
Jessica, I know some of your pain. I know our circumstances are totally different, but they are things that prevent us from doing what we would like to do on a daily basis. And the hardest part, is keeping us from doing things with our children. I hope that you find out what is going on tomorrow. I will continue praying for you. All I do now is just pray, I too want to see my children get older and get married and have a family of their own. Only God knows when our time is up, and that is a hard thing to grasp sometimes when you are unsure because of a disease that could shorten your life. Just be thankful for all the times you have had and will continue to have. Make the days that are good, even better! Love ya!
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