Saturday, February 20, 2010

having a baby

I just read a friends blog that is having trouble getting pregnant. She has always wanted a baby and truth be told I have always thought she would be such a GREAT mother. It pains me to think that she is having such a hard time conceiving. I am near tears right now typing about it. Every morning I have been praying for her. I have never consistently prayed for a friend before. I know it sound bad but it is the truth. I know it sounds weird but reading her blog tonight has helped to ease my guilt and pain. I'll explain

I have been blessed with two children. Getting pregnant was not a a hard thing for me. It just happened. But after having my second child I was informed that I would not be able to have any more children. I had to make the hard decision to have a my tubes cut. It has been miserable. I have cried at least once a month about it. To not be able to have the choice of having another child has been horrible. When everyone else around me is getting pregnant with third children I am stuck at home in tears screaming "I'm just 25 GOD WHY?"

I have felt guilty for even feeling this way. here I am with two children and my friend is unable to even conceive one. how selfish of me? How horrible am I? But in her blog she wrote about how not being able to have a child at any age, whether you already have children or not, is miserable. About how alone you feel. That's what it is. I feel so alone. It is something that I can't really talk to anyone about because they always say "but you have been blessed with two beautiful children. One of each." Yes, I understand that but I can not ever get pregnant ever again. I have been castrated. IT is extremely lonely. I feel so alone but so does my friend. Maybe I am not alone after all.

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