This morning I had my annual pacemaker check up.
It doesn't matter what the news is, every single time, the whole car ride there is filled with anxiety and the whole car ride home is filled with tears.
Throughout the year I don't allow myself to dwell on the fact that I have a serious heart condition.
I just go on living my life and dealing with the stuff that each day brings.
But for some reason, that car ride to and from the appointment gets me every time.
I start thinking about my future and my past, dwelling on all of the negative stuff in my life regarding my heart condition. I start wondering if I will get to see my children become adults and become curious as to whether or not Roger will remarry after I die.
During that car ride the thought that runs through my mind over and over again is "I am going to die young."
I know, it's really stupid to think like that and that is exactly why I don't do it but for 30 minutes each year.
I get really sappy on that darn car ride.
When you are 27 years old, sitting on an exam table, hooked up to an EKG machine and a pacemaker checker machine thingy ma bob, it is kinda scary.
It's scary when your doctor says that 96% of the time your own heart is NOT beating on its own and that the pacemaker is working THAT much.
My own heart beats only 4% of the time?
That scares me.
It is scary to think of HOW much my heart has changed over the past 20 years. From medicine to pacemakers. How much worse will it get and how fast?
I met a girl with my EXACT SAME condition a few years ago. She is in a wheel chair and on oxygen.
That scares me.
The cardiologist found a few things today that my pacemaker had picked up from my heart and decided to set me up to have a halter monitor that I will wear for 30 days. I'm kinda dreading wearing that darn thing for 30 days, especially over the holidays, but I am excited to possibly figure out why I have been having these awful symptoms.
When I got home this afternoon Roger allowed me to cry for about 15 min before telling me how absolutely ridiculous I was for even thinking such negative thoughts. He gave me a ginormous bear hug, "jess stop."
I agreed, laughed and began to feel a LOT better.
Now it is off take care of these two rambunctious kids who BOTH happen to be sick today.
They both have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon so hopefully we can kick this little illness, that they both seem to have, in the butt before the holidays!