Up and coming surgery

I know this is going to sound strange but I am so ready to have this new pacemaker put in. I have felt drained for a while now. I'm ready to get this past me. The next time I have to get a pacemaker Paul will be 15 and Anna will be 12. Isn't that CRAZY?!?!?!

I have all the nervous butterflies about the surgery. I've never met the doctor that will be cutting me open. Is he a good doctor? Will I feel comfortable asking him questions? Will he answer my questions or just stare at me like I am an idiot? The last time I had a pacemaker put in the doctor's bedside manner was HORRIBLE. He made me cry every time he walked in the room. He was very matter of fact and had no heart. A strange strange man. I'm confident that this new pacemaker dude can't be any worse than the first. I'm just nervous.

Then to make me even more nervous I was mentioning to someone about how simple the pacemaker replacement would be and she said "well, my daughter had her new pacemaker put in a couple of years ago and got a really bad infection and we almost lost her." Now, please tell me why you would tell someone that. Oh my gosh.

I'm more nervous about the drugs they will be giving me. There is one specific drug that they like to use that has a horrible side affect on me. I get really loopy but can feel pretty much everything. It is really horrible and very uncomfortable. When I was getting my c-section I told the sleepy doc about it and he rolled his eyes and gave it to me any way. By the time I got Roger to yell at the dude it was already too late. They were cutting my stomach and I could feel a good portion of it. I guess this time I am just going to have to be the loud mouth demanding patient. I really don't want to feel anything.

Oh and when I had my stint placed they kept me awake with that same medicine and I threw up ALL OVER the table, right in the middle of the procedure. I kept yelling "is it over yet. PLEASE GOD is it over yet. Can you just PLEASE put me to sleep." Then during the several hours you have to keep still on the bed I was so loopy I got up and tried to walk. Blood was EVERYWHERE because the wounds weren't healed yet and i almost bled to death. The nurses noticed me standing there bleeding and I remember having lots of pressure on both by legs before falling over. It makes me THAT sick and THAT uncomfortable. I had to apologize to my doctor, who I called Mr. Gadget because he looked JUST LIKE Mathew Broderick. I was probably the worst patient EVER. But when you are 15, loopy and can feel just about everything it makes for a bad situation.

But this surgery should be so incredibly simple compared to all the others. In and out. I'm just nervous. I have no clue what to expect. How long will it take? How long will I be in recovery? What types of meds do they plan on using? Will I be put to sleep or kept awake? How long until I can use my arm? I guess I'll find all this stuff out on monday during my pre-op. I'll meet the doctor and get on his nerves by asking way too many questions.

Anyway, I better go rest up!

PS: this time it should be better though. MY HUSBAND WILL BE THERE!!!!! Last time we were just dating and they kicked him out of the icu. It'll kinda be like a two day DATE. oooh la la..... how romantic.

update

hello friends. I walked around ALL MORNING with a phone in my hand waiting for a phone call from my cardiologist. I never received one.

This afternoon while I was out with my sister, Layla, I got a call from his clinic informing me that my follow up appoinment would be on the 21st of June. "But I haven't even gotten my surgery set up. No one ever called and I have called twice." I got the number of the surgery center, tracked down who my surgeon would be, tracked down his nurse and waited on hold for FOR EVER. Long story short.....I go in on monday for the pre-op stuff (introduction to the man who will take a knife to me, a pregnancy test, different types of blood work.) Then on tuesday morning at 6am I will show up, get high on some drugs and get sliced open. should be a GREAT time.

But all kidding aside, this really shouldn't be that big of a deal. I totally looked the surgery up on youtube (kinda made me a bit sick) and it looked pretty simple. Old pacemaker out, new pacemaker in. I'll even go home the same day!! I'll be a bit sore but not nearly as sore as the first time I had the pacer placed and they had to cut through all that muscle and place the leads in.

I am just a bit nervous because I have never done this before.New things are always scary. I'm also not looking forward to the whopping hospital bill. oh crap. I just got the bill back from the holter monitor I had to have. OH MY. I tried to talk him into a FREE battery change but I just couldn't get him to do it. :)

I am VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY blessed to have all these people stepping up to help with the kids. Layla has been with me since monday and she is going to stay until after the surgery. I also have tons of people on call just in case. The village has come together and we are caring for one another!!! I don't feel so alone!

doctor's appointment gone south

let me set this up for you. Roger is away on a mission trip with the youth this week. I am alone with the kids AND have a big cardiologist appointment.

This morning I got up early to get the kids ready and loaded into the car to drive the 2 hours to the appointment. Oh my. Getting kids up early after having just gotten back to the house from a trip to my parent's to celebrate my brother's graduation was VERY VERY hard. oh my. Then as I was washing my hair I remembered that people were coming to look at the house today while I was gone. OH MY!! So, I rushed around like a crazy person changing trash cans, picking up toys, shoving things under the bed, and brushing my teeth at the same time. All while yelling "eat your breakfast. No, I am not giving you that cereal. eat the cereal you have in your bowl. just deal with the sogginess. DEAL WITH IT."

when I got to the appointment guess who was standing outside the hospital waiting on me? MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!! he had gotten things worked out so that he could stop over while the youth and an adult helper worked at the thrift shop while he came to help me with the kids.

well, during the pacemaker check I was told that i needed to get my pacemaker replaced....FRIDAY and that I needed to hang around in town because it would probably go into energy saving mode and pace me very slow. "you will feel like absolute CRAP" direct quote. I needed to get all the pre-op stuff done.

as of now I am sitting in the mission hotel that the youth are staying in. I am sitting here with both my children while roger goes to help out in the thrift store. As I type this my pacemaker is starting to pace slower. I guess I am officially in energy saving mode. I FEEL LIKE UTTER CRAP. Anna and Paul are jumping on the beds, running around the beds, yelling. I want to say HELP but I am handling this pretty well. I guess. I just don't have enough energy.....literally....to respond in any other way. I'm very thankful to have a husband that can manage things in a calm fashion!!! I'm trying not to break into "oh my gosh" kinda tears.

The surgery is not that big of a deal. I am in and out the same day. I just feel horrible until I get the "can" replaced. That's what my cardiologist said "hey there Jesse. We need to replace your can!" the hard part is when you add two small children and a youth mission trip to the whole thing. We'll work this out. It'll be ok. That's what I keep telling myself but I feel so so bad at the moment. And to think that I have to drive back home with these two children....all by myself.

It really takes a village and I need that village right now.

The Call

The wait is over. We found out today around 12:30pm that Roger has been offered the senior minister position at a church we have been watching from a distance since college. I'm so excited for him. I'm so excited for our little family. I'm so excited to see how God uses all of us together! I remember sitting outside on the deck when roger came up in a funny joking manner and said "hey, that church is accepting applications." As he walked back in the house I hunted him down and said "then send in an application."

It has been a long long....hummmm...how many months has it been? I'm thinking he sent in the application about 10 months ago. But I might be wrong. Either way, it has been a long long long long long process but I am very grateful that it has been an extremely long process. It has given us time to discern. We have been very intentional about this whole process, the church has as well. There were two other churches that Roger interviewed with that just "didn't feel right." Our rule was that if it doesn't "feel right" it isn't right so just pull your application. So, he called two churches and had the application pulled. We "feel right" about this church. It feels like a "good fit" or shall I say "a God fit."

It has been a bittersweet event today. WE got the call and did a crazy dance in the kitchen! It was just like I had been in the hot heat all day and was offered a glass of water. We were both so excited. If you were to walk into our house you would have seen paul and anna looking very confused while roger and I did crazy indian looking dances in the kitchen. then I thought of the church we are currently serving in and had to stop the dancing. It makes me sad to leave them. I get close to people pretty fast. I don't consider that a bad thing but it does hurt when you have to pack up and move. Also, the church we are currently in is in the midst of decline and transition. They don't have a minister, they're interim decided to leave and the numbers are dropping. I don't want them to feel like we are jumping ship. It breaks my heart to even think about it and then to read the comments about how some feel that we are abandoning them just kills me.

Honestly I feel like I have been engaged to one church for two years while I was dating another one on the side. Then one day I showed up and said to the church I was engaged to, "hey, I just ran off and got married to this church I was seeing on the side." I know. It is such an odd feeling. It is so weird. This whole transition thing is so strange. I feel like I need to talk to other ministers' families about this. I kinda have that "i've been cheating on someone"feeling. It is so weird.

But anyway. I am very excited. I think my husband is a GREAT minister and the new church is a great fit. It really is. I just feel so blessed to have front row tickets to see the amazing things God is doing through Roger. I have had a massive crush on him since 4th grade. I don't want to sound cheesy but here it goes....God is so good!

Saturday

Today has been declared ...... LAZY DAY!   Well, as lazy as you can get with two small children ages 2 and 4.  :0    

This morning I fed the kids while Roger mowed the grass. Then while Roger took a shower I scrubbed the steps and then I took a shower while he got the kids dressed. At around 10am we headed over to the Enterprise RENT A CAR to pick up a van that the church is renting for the youth mission trip. Our church van keeps breaking down and so, well, it seemed like a good option to rent something than break down AGAIN. However, when we got to the rent center we were informed that the van we were to rent had been in a crash and Roger was given the keys to a Ford Expedition. Those things are massive.  As soon as Roger got in the car he yelled out the window "sorry polar bears."   

When we got the crazy massive thing they call an expedition dropped off at the church we came back home to start LAUNDRY!!!!  YAY!!  The funny thing is that I LOVE washing clothes. This isn't the 1800's, we have washing machines and it really isn't that hard to pile clothes in and out of a machine.  However, this time I decided to hang some outside. I need to get a clothes line instead of using the kids outside toys. It would work a lot better and wouldn't look so tacky. But ya make it with what ya got!!!

Around 1pm I left to get my hair chopped off even more while Roger managed the kids. When I came back the house was clean, the kids were taking a nap and Roger was sitting in front of the tv watching a crazy documentary while he folded our laundry.  HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?!?!? I want to marry him all over again.  

Tomorrow is youth sunday at church and I am super pumped!!  Sarah Humble will be speaking and I just know it is going to be GREAT (tony the tiger style).  Then after church I am headed with the kids to my brothers graduation while Roger takes off with the youth to help out for a week in a men's homeless shelter.  While he is there my sister-in-law Layla is going to move in with us. She is going to be volunteering for a month at an ESL program and is going to live with us while she does it.  If I didn't say I was excited I would be telling a fib. 

So, today is a LAZY DAY!!!  sort of.  I took a couple of minutes to soak the sun up while Anna played in the mud and the clothes dried on her toy swing set!!!  I consider that lazy.  Then I threw her in her small plastic pool to wash the mud off.  "aaaahh I'll just give you a bath later tonight."   I guess I'll go exercise a bit before dinner........OR NOT.  Maybe I'll eat ice cream for dinner. 

Anna is having a fashion show as I type this. She is putting on dress after dress and showing me "aaaaawwww loooooook mommEEEEEEEE  this my dress.  oooooooh prettty.!"   She is so funny! I love her so much! Paul has walked around in his underwear all day and insists it is his "spider boy suit."  Roger has decided not to shave again until july and I said ME TO!

Just some thoughts

I have been back and forth on whether or not to type this out but then I ran into someone from college this afternoon and decided that it might even help other people if I was just honest about some things. With my husband being a minister I kinda have to watch what I say and what I type. I tend to put my foot in my mouth and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel a certain way. However, life the past couple of months has been strange. I just broke my favorite tea cup and I want to curl up in a ball to cry. See, that is strange.

I am plagued with an intense amount of anxiety. I have no outlet other than running that helps. But the thing is is that I can't run all day long every single day. I want to get up in the morning, run until evening, take a shower, curl into the bed with a good book and fall asleep. Then I want to get up the next day and do it all over again. I know why I am going through all of this but I can't seem to keep my mind on the positive enough to deal with the negative. There are so many things going on. Good things mind you, but still so many things. Then when you add two small children to the list of things that are going on, my mind feels like it is going to explode. But Instead of exploding I just feel tired and in need of a turn off button. I'm in need of a stranger to just let me cry in their arms until we both realize how awkward it is for me to be crying in their arms.

I'm happy but just so anxious. The inside of my mouth hurts so bad from were I have been chewing on it without realizing it.

Just a few things that have been on my mind:
- possibly moving to a new town, having to sell our house and buy another one. How am I going to pack a house with two small children?

- whether or not Paul is ready for kindergarten. He was evaluated this week and I really think he would do better if I just held him off another year. If we move, what preschool or kindergarten will Paul go to? How will Paul handle the whole transition?

- Roger is taking the youth on a mission trip next week and over half the youth are too busy to even try to go but I am going to be left alone with the kids for a whole week while he takes those few that can. It is a great mission trip and I just hate that most of them can't even go because summer seems to be completely packed full for everyone.

- This summer I am suppose to have a new pacemaker put in and I have no clue how that is going to even work with the job transition like it is and the kids to take care of. I'll have to have someone help me with the kids or at least drive me to and from the hospital while Roger is gone.

- Our head minister at the church we are currently in was forced out, an intrem was brought in and now the intrem has left. I really like both of those people and I miss them terribly.

- one of my brothers, who just got married, is graduating from high school while the other one is getting ready to get married right after graduating from college. My mom is trying to handle all this change with grace but it is still pretty hard for her.

I know most people have tons of stuff that's on their minds and I am no different. Most days and weeks I manage pretty well but there are those times when I can't seem to find the shutoff button and I walk around like a zombie. This week has been that way. I'm too tired to do anything because I can't manage to get any sleep yet I want to have the energy to go for long runs to escape the thoughts. I'm just trying my best to live each day in peace but I'm telling ya, when I walk into the kitchen to make me some hot tea and I end up breaking my favorite tea cup, all the thoughts seem to pile up on me at once. I am just watiting for the day when we figure out what is going to happen in our lives. Are we moving to another church? Are we headed to Texas for some PhD work? Or are we staying put? I'm all for reverting back to childhood and living in my parent's basement and letting them take care of us!!!! I don't think they'll be ok with that however. :(

Is it weird when you feel like your whole life is one big mission trip? I don't think so, but I would like to take a sabbatical every now and then. Speaking of, we are headed to North Carolina in a couple of weeks for the Cooperative Baptist Convention and I am so excited that I could cry tears of joy. Roger has a scholarship through the seminary that pays for it but we are going a few days ahead of time to R-E-S-T and center ourselves. Plus the convention was a lot of fun last year so I am looking forward to catching up with friends, exploring a new city, learning a bunch of cool stuff and being surrounded by like minded people. Being in the ministry can be lonely sometimes. The isolation of people not wanting to get too close to the minister or his family is kinda hard sometimes so it is nice to be around people who don't care to chill out with the "church people." :) People who realize we are just people like them who happen to work in the church. That we aren't some other life form. that cracks me up!! I crack myself up. I guess that's good. Right?

transition

I will go through the valley if you want me to.