This is my new ANGRY song!! you know you have an angry song. enjoy!
being the wife of a full time minister with two small children is VERY lonely. Right now I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I don't understand why some people walk by me, say hi to everyone in the room and completely ignore that I am even there. I go to church and only talk to my kids, the nursery worker and the music minister (I help her while she is teaching a class to the little ones).
I feel like I am never ever going to get a chance to meet people at church because any time they are in need of volunteers no one will step up and help and then I am left with the task. I am glad to volunteer (isn't that what church is all about) but I would like to be able to passively attend a church function every now and then.
What people forget is that the ministers (and their wives) are 24/7 ministering to others but have no one who ministers to them. I have a feeling this is what leads to burn out. It's hard to go weeks, months and even years without being ministered to and in my case, even talked to.
For some strange reason I am beginning to think this is going to be the norm. I guess I'm the untouchable in the room. "oh, there's the youth ministers wife....sssshhhhhh." Tonight no one even sat at the table with Paul and I. They pretty much completely ignored that I was there. USUAL. When I am around town and I see someone they completely ignore me. USUAL.
This whole gig is getting a bit lonely. My husband's always gone to either school or work and I am stuck at home with the kids staring out a grad school application that I have tried FOREVER to fill out. I get opportunities to go out with friends but then something comes up that Roger has to rush to and I am left at home with no one to watch the children. It's depressing. I think I am getting depressed.
I am tempted to pack my bags and run away from home. I love my husband and children but I need a little room to breath (and a hot tub) for about 2 days. There are a lot of weeks where I only talk to Paul, Anna and Roger. I feel like an alien. A weirdo.
This brings me to the importance of community. I see it all around me but I am not a part of it. All these 30 somethings with their kids and their friends. It's so nice to watch and I sometimes sit and think about how fun it would be to have friends with kids and we all lived close to one another. I think about how we would be able to get together and laugh and enjoy a glass of hot tea (or wine!!) while the kiddos played in the living room. Or how we could all take turns watching each others kids on friday so that we would all get a date a month with our husbands. I NEVER get alone time with Roger. Well, unless we send them to the grandparents for a whole weekend but then they are so far away.
Basically, I am lonely. I stay home with the kids all day. My husband is gone all the time either at school or work. All my friends are spread out every which way and stay busy (can't wait till they have children so they can see what busy is ha). I don't really have a church family. But hey, on the bright side, I start playing volleyball with the team this tuesday!!! I'll get out of the house ALONE and get to relieve some stress on the court. When I was an outside hitter I used to pretend that the ball was someones head and I would hit that thing as hard as I could. ACE!!!!!!
This helped a little but I still want to run away. Any one want to pick me up. I'll be the girl on the side of the road with a sign that reads "stay at home mom in need of a hot tub"
anna is crying and poor roger is doing his best to soothe her but the child insists on her mamma. And so the story goes.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Chaplain Jasper
I took Anna to the doctor today it get her a flue shot. Ouch. Poor baby? No, lucky baby!! Apparently we were the last people to receive the shot. They ran out.
Afterwards I walked Paul over the bridge to the hospital. He LOVES bridges so we stopped every few feet to check out the view. As I was walking through the halls of the hospital being my creepy self (Don't judge, it was cold outside and Paul wanted to explore) I realized how much I love being in hospitals. I know, weird. But I have spent the majority of my 24 years in them and they feel like home. I then started thinking about my plans to go to seminary to major in pastoral counseling. Then I got SUPER excited about my end goal.........CHAPLAINCE. I can really see myself walking the halls of a hospital ministering to patients. That excites me!!!
If you know anything at all about me you know that the past 6 years have been consumed with "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE." And the fact that I feel that I know what I am put on this earth to do gives me the warm fuzzy happy feeling inside. I love that. Right now I am ministering to my family by being a stay at home mom but on down the road, after the kids start school and I get my masters degree, I will also be ministering to others. I'm so excited about life and the journey!!
Afterwards I walked Paul over the bridge to the hospital. He LOVES bridges so we stopped every few feet to check out the view. As I was walking through the halls of the hospital being my creepy self (Don't judge, it was cold outside and Paul wanted to explore) I realized how much I love being in hospitals. I know, weird. But I have spent the majority of my 24 years in them and they feel like home. I then started thinking about my plans to go to seminary to major in pastoral counseling. Then I got SUPER excited about my end goal.........CHAPLAINCE. I can really see myself walking the halls of a hospital ministering to patients. That excites me!!!
If you know anything at all about me you know that the past 6 years have been consumed with "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE." And the fact that I feel that I know what I am put on this earth to do gives me the warm fuzzy happy feeling inside. I love that. Right now I am ministering to my family by being a stay at home mom but on down the road, after the kids start school and I get my masters degree, I will also be ministering to others. I'm so excited about life and the journey!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Wednesday 14, 2009
First of all, it is FREEZING outside. I mean, it is "I don't want to go outside for fear that my nose will fall off" freezing outside. Anyway.
Today has been good so far. This morning I took Paul and Anna to story time at the local library. Paul was a little more involved this time around. Usually he just stands there and stares at the kids as they do the songs, dances and activities. You can tell he's really there to listen to the story and wants them to hurry up with the dances so he can listen to the book. Crazy, weird child that I have. :)
After story time there is usually a craft and today was not an exception. We got to make awesome little penguins out of a ruler so the next time it snows (will it ever) we can take it outside to measure how deep the snow is!!! how clever?!?!? Paul adores penguins so this activity was perfect for him.
Anna was feeling the lack of attention so she decided to show her ugly side but after cleaning up her vomit and feeding her, she rather enjoyed chewing on the puzzle pieces. all the other mothers looked at me in disgust for letting Anna chew on library puzzle pieces, but ya know, you do what you need to keep the peace.
We're at home now trying to eat lunch and get ready for N-A-P-T-I-M-E (nap time). Anna is already asleep and if I don't get Paul boy down in the next couple of minutes I am up a creek. I treasure the alone time when they are both napping. Unfortunatly I NEVER seem to get that.
Today has been good so far. This morning I took Paul and Anna to story time at the local library. Paul was a little more involved this time around. Usually he just stands there and stares at the kids as they do the songs, dances and activities. You can tell he's really there to listen to the story and wants them to hurry up with the dances so he can listen to the book. Crazy, weird child that I have. :)
After story time there is usually a craft and today was not an exception. We got to make awesome little penguins out of a ruler so the next time it snows (will it ever) we can take it outside to measure how deep the snow is!!! how clever?!?!? Paul adores penguins so this activity was perfect for him.
Anna was feeling the lack of attention so she decided to show her ugly side but after cleaning up her vomit and feeding her, she rather enjoyed chewing on the puzzle pieces. all the other mothers looked at me in disgust for letting Anna chew on library puzzle pieces, but ya know, you do what you need to keep the peace.
We're at home now trying to eat lunch and get ready for N-A-P-T-I-M-E (nap time). Anna is already asleep and if I don't get Paul boy down in the next couple of minutes I am up a creek. I treasure the alone time when they are both napping. Unfortunatly I NEVER seem to get that.
Friday, January 2, 2009
River Of Earth
When I was little I attended a summer school for dyslexic children in Hindman Kentucky called the James Still Learning Center. Named after the well known Kentucky author, James Still. Over the summers my younger brother Jacob got to know and become friends with a kind, little old man that would come out of his log cabin and down the hill to the cafeteria to eat with us kids. His pockets were always packed full of different types of herbs. This old man would get a kick out of "spicing" up each child's dinner that sat down at his table. I never really talked to him much because I was an incredibly shy child, but I loved listening to the stories he would tell the select few that sat at the table with this strange little old man.
Over the years my brother Jacob continued to attend the summer school each year and later went back to be a counselor in the boys dorm. Slowly the identity of the little old man became known. It was James Still himself!! He ended up writing an Appalachian mother goose book and dedicating it to my brother. He even had one of the first copies sent to us. We also attended his birthday party on at least two occasions.
Even though I knew who he was I never really KNEW who he was. Being dyslexic I hated reading because it was so difficult. That was the reason for going to the summer school. Now that I'm older and better at the whole reading process, I can't stop myself from reading. I love it!! It is safe to say that I have a passion for reading! And if you know me, you know that I am obsessed with the author Wendell Berry. AMAZING!!! But for christmas my husband bought me the well know James Still book "River of Earth." It's so good!!
I can't help but think about how AWESOME it is that I went to a summer school for years to learn how to read, met a man that amazed me by his stories, later found out that that man was James Still and now I am sitting in my living room reading "River of Earth." How strange life is!
One summer our Dad decided to transfer his work (he's a state auditor) to Hindman so that we could all rent a house and stay together instead of me and my brother staying in the dorm. We rented a house on a hill near a log cabin. We had to park WAY down the hill and walk up a path that looked like a goat path through the woods. Each day after school we would wonder through the woods playing make believe. One day we came upon the log cabin that the mysteries old man, that we would later found out was James Still, lived. The door and all the windows were wide open. The wind blowing the curtains. We stepped in what seemed to be the living room. There were books EVERY WHERE. No bookshelves, just books laying stacked EVERYWHERE. We heard a noise, got scared and ran out.
Now here I am reading one of his books. I can't help but wish that during all those summers that I would have known exactly who he was. All the questions I would have asked! I know that we all have those what if moments and this is mine, "What if he was still alive and I was still little and I knew who he was?"
So, amazing!!
Over the years my brother Jacob continued to attend the summer school each year and later went back to be a counselor in the boys dorm. Slowly the identity of the little old man became known. It was James Still himself!! He ended up writing an Appalachian mother goose book and dedicating it to my brother. He even had one of the first copies sent to us. We also attended his birthday party on at least two occasions.
Even though I knew who he was I never really KNEW who he was. Being dyslexic I hated reading because it was so difficult. That was the reason for going to the summer school. Now that I'm older and better at the whole reading process, I can't stop myself from reading. I love it!! It is safe to say that I have a passion for reading! And if you know me, you know that I am obsessed with the author Wendell Berry. AMAZING!!! But for christmas my husband bought me the well know James Still book "River of Earth." It's so good!!
I can't help but think about how AWESOME it is that I went to a summer school for years to learn how to read, met a man that amazed me by his stories, later found out that that man was James Still and now I am sitting in my living room reading "River of Earth." How strange life is!
One summer our Dad decided to transfer his work (he's a state auditor) to Hindman so that we could all rent a house and stay together instead of me and my brother staying in the dorm. We rented a house on a hill near a log cabin. We had to park WAY down the hill and walk up a path that looked like a goat path through the woods. Each day after school we would wonder through the woods playing make believe. One day we came upon the log cabin that the mysteries old man, that we would later found out was James Still, lived. The door and all the windows were wide open. The wind blowing the curtains. We stepped in what seemed to be the living room. There were books EVERY WHERE. No bookshelves, just books laying stacked EVERYWHERE. We heard a noise, got scared and ran out.
Now here I am reading one of his books. I can't help but wish that during all those summers that I would have known exactly who he was. All the questions I would have asked! I know that we all have those what if moments and this is mine, "What if he was still alive and I was still little and I knew who he was?"
So, amazing!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Moving On Up
We have officially moved out of the old place and into our very own home!! how strange?? I thought is was so cool that today, new years eve, was our move out inspection. Goodbye 08, hello 09!! So, tonight we are CELEBRATING all the many adventures to come!!!
I swear moving is such a pain, but I had no clue, absolutly no clue, how hard it was going to be packing two kiddos and all the toys that come with them. Roger and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and we have moved 6 times. You do the math. NUTTS!! I know. Moving with one child is hard, I'll admit, but moving with two is "I'm hiding in the corner and crying till this move is over" kinda hard. If only we lived close to family. We are seriously like ALONE when it comes to the kids. The grandparents are an hour and a half away.
Roger loves his new job! I'm so excited for him but I am starting to understand the whole "stress" of ministry. First of all, I had no clue that ministers were on call. I thought that was a doctor/nurse thing. Who knew?? So, we are sitting having dinner one minute talking about how we should take a walk because it is a beautiful night and the next Roger is pulling out of the drive to go minister to a soon to be widow. This new life of being married to a full time minister is kinda strange. A part of me is sad to see him rush off in the middle of dinner but another part of me is very understanding and proud. It's not like he's rushing back to the office to finish paper work and by doing so ignoring his family. He's going to comfort a grieving wife who is about to loose her bestfriend of 50 years. I'm so proud of him. What an incredible responsibility he has taken on. I just pray that I will always be as understanding and proud.
I swear moving is such a pain, but I had no clue, absolutly no clue, how hard it was going to be packing two kiddos and all the toys that come with them. Roger and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and we have moved 6 times. You do the math. NUTTS!! I know. Moving with one child is hard, I'll admit, but moving with two is "I'm hiding in the corner and crying till this move is over" kinda hard. If only we lived close to family. We are seriously like ALONE when it comes to the kids. The grandparents are an hour and a half away.
Roger loves his new job! I'm so excited for him but I am starting to understand the whole "stress" of ministry. First of all, I had no clue that ministers were on call. I thought that was a doctor/nurse thing. Who knew?? So, we are sitting having dinner one minute talking about how we should take a walk because it is a beautiful night and the next Roger is pulling out of the drive to go minister to a soon to be widow. This new life of being married to a full time minister is kinda strange. A part of me is sad to see him rush off in the middle of dinner but another part of me is very understanding and proud. It's not like he's rushing back to the office to finish paper work and by doing so ignoring his family. He's going to comfort a grieving wife who is about to loose her bestfriend of 50 years. I'm so proud of him. What an incredible responsibility he has taken on. I just pray that I will always be as understanding and proud.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Evil Thoughts
I am so stressed out and want to scream. Trying to move with two small children around the holidays is completely driving me crazy. If only I had someone to watch the screaming baby and the anxious toddler life would be a tiny bit easier. How about this, I'll go away to Hawaii for two weeks while someone unpacks and decorates my home. That sounds like a great plan.
I feel the urge to grab the next person, without kids, that says they were "so stressed" during the moving process, by the back of the head and punch them in the nose. I know that sounds so evil and after I do the evil act I will pray for forgiveness but I really want to hit the next person who makes that comment to me.
I feel like my sense of humor has been replaced by evil jessica. I need to run away. Ok, what I really need is help with the kids. How can a person concentrate on ANYTHING with the two of them?? seriously???? They're good kids but kids all the same. They need fed, changed, cuddled, disciplined and their toys and clothes unpacked. All I can say is at least we didn't move into one of those "good investment" houses. A good "fixer-uper is the last thing I need at the moment.
Oh, speaking of "fixer-uper" when we got back from the christmas break we found that our storm door had not been shut properly when we left and had been blown off of the hinges. GREAT!!!! The glass door didn't break..THANK GOD.... but part of the frame around the door (the wood and metal) was all bent to hell. Good news is that Roger took the door off and it seems to be easy to fix. We just need to make a trip to the hardware store.
anyway, both Roger and Paul want dinner so I best go and do a little jig in the kitchen and make a little something something.
I feel the urge to grab the next person, without kids, that says they were "so stressed" during the moving process, by the back of the head and punch them in the nose. I know that sounds so evil and after I do the evil act I will pray for forgiveness but I really want to hit the next person who makes that comment to me.
I feel like my sense of humor has been replaced by evil jessica. I need to run away. Ok, what I really need is help with the kids. How can a person concentrate on ANYTHING with the two of them?? seriously???? They're good kids but kids all the same. They need fed, changed, cuddled, disciplined and their toys and clothes unpacked. All I can say is at least we didn't move into one of those "good investment" houses. A good "fixer-uper is the last thing I need at the moment.
Oh, speaking of "fixer-uper" when we got back from the christmas break we found that our storm door had not been shut properly when we left and had been blown off of the hinges. GREAT!!!! The glass door didn't break..THANK GOD.... but part of the frame around the door (the wood and metal) was all bent to hell. Good news is that Roger took the door off and it seems to be easy to fix. We just need to make a trip to the hardware store.
anyway, both Roger and Paul want dinner so I best go and do a little jig in the kitchen and make a little something something.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Jasper Christmas
We celebrated christmas with Paul and Anna tonight. We made a cake and after dinner had a birthday party for Jesus. I don't want to do the whole Santa thing. I understand people who do but I want christmas to be a more holy sacred time in our family. Anyway, we put some candles on the cake, sang happy birthday to Jesus and let him open up his presents. Tonight when Roger gets back (he's out caroling with the church) we are going to watch a little kids movie about the virgin birth. I'm really excited about getting snuggled up to watch a real christmas movie with my son.
Speaking of the Santa thing. I walked into a book store last week and Santa was there. I prept Paul before we walked by and let him know that Santa wasn't real. I told him that he is kinda like Bob the builder. He is just make believe. So, we continued on and the Santa stood up and did the whole "HO HO HI LITTLE BOY" and waved. Paul looked up and said "you're not real" I was a bit embarrassed but I couldn't help but cackle. When he gets a little older I'll have to explain to him that he can't go around telling people that Santa's not real.
Speaking of the Santa thing. I walked into a book store last week and Santa was there. I prept Paul before we walked by and let him know that Santa wasn't real. I told him that he is kinda like Bob the builder. He is just make believe. So, we continued on and the Santa stood up and did the whole "HO HO HI LITTLE BOY" and waved. Paul looked up and said "you're not real" I was a bit embarrassed but I couldn't help but cackle. When he gets a little older I'll have to explain to him that he can't go around telling people that Santa's not real.
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