a little too personal

This is my new ANGRY song!! you know you have an angry song. enjoy!


being the wife of a full time minister with two small children is VERY lonely. Right now I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I don't understand why some people walk by me, say hi to everyone in the room and completely ignore that I am even there. I go to church and only talk to my kids, the nursery worker and the music minister (I help her while she is teaching a class to the little ones).

I feel like I am never ever going to get a chance to meet people at church because any time they are in need of volunteers no one will step up and help and then I am left with the task. I am glad to volunteer (isn't that what church is all about) but I would like to be able to passively attend a church function every now and then.

What people forget is that the ministers (and their wives) are 24/7 ministering to others but have no one who ministers to them. I have a feeling this is what leads to burn out. It's hard to go weeks, months and even years without being ministered to and in my case, even talked to.

For some strange reason I am beginning to think this is going to be the norm. I guess I'm the untouchable in the room. "oh, there's the youth ministers wife....sssshhhhhh." Tonight no one even sat at the table with Paul and I. They pretty much completely ignored that I was there. USUAL. When I am around town and I see someone they completely ignore me. USUAL.

This whole gig is getting a bit lonely. My husband's always gone to either school or work and I am stuck at home with the kids staring out a grad school application that I have tried FOREVER to fill out. I get opportunities to go out with friends but then something comes up that Roger has to rush to and I am left at home with no one to watch the children. It's depressing. I think I am getting depressed.

I am tempted to pack my bags and run away from home. I love my husband and children but I need a little room to breath (and a hot tub) for about 2 days. There are a lot of weeks where I only talk to Paul, Anna and Roger. I feel like an alien. A weirdo.

This brings me to the importance of community. I see it all around me but I am not a part of it. All these 30 somethings with their kids and their friends. It's so nice to watch and I sometimes sit and think about how fun it would be to have friends with kids and we all lived close to one another. I think about how we would be able to get together and laugh and enjoy a glass of hot tea (or wine!!) while the kiddos played in the living room. Or how we could all take turns watching each others kids on friday so that we would all get a date a month with our husbands. I NEVER get alone time with Roger. Well, unless we send them to the grandparents for a whole weekend but then they are so far away.

Basically, I am lonely. I stay home with the kids all day. My husband is gone all the time either at school or work. All my friends are spread out every which way and stay busy (can't wait till they have children so they can see what busy is ha). I don't really have a church family. But hey, on the bright side, I start playing volleyball with the team this tuesday!!! I'll get out of the house ALONE and get to relieve some stress on the court. When I was an outside hitter I used to pretend that the ball was someones head and I would hit that thing as hard as I could. ACE!!!!!!

This helped a little but I still want to run away. Any one want to pick me up. I'll be the girl on the side of the road with a sign that reads "stay at home mom in need of a hot tub"

anna is crying and poor roger is doing his best to soothe her but the child insists on her mamma. And so the story goes.