adventures of motherhood

It seems like I have absolutely no time to breath. Once I get finished with one child, the other one needs me. It goes on like this all day long every day. Sunday I was so exhausted that I had to hold back tears during church. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

Roger has to be at church earlier so I am left at home alone with a toddler and an infant. I rush around like a mad person getting everyone fed, changed, clothed and to church by 9:40am. It is crazy. I know that mothers all over do it but for some reason it just plum wears me out. I never have any time to really care for myself. I guess that is what motherhood is all about. The main sacrifice is neglecting yourself in order to care for your children. I pretty much feel like I look like utter crap every single day. I don't ever get any time to REALLY get dressed. I jump in the shower... jump out...put on a towl...run in and soothe Anna a bit....run back to the room to throw on some undees....check on why Paul is screaming...run back and throw a shirt and pants on....run in and change anna's diaper and feed her....run back to the bathroom to dry my hair....run into the kitchen and put a bowl of cereal out for Paul...run back in the bathroom and throw the hair in a pony tail.....check on why anna is screaming.......run back to the bathroom to brush my teeth....... It goes on and on like that ALL DAY LONG. By the time Roger gets home I want to run away but we have to start dinner. Then clean up dinner. Then feed Anna. Then get Paul a bath. Then get him into bed. Then get Anna to bed. Then I am so tired I go climb in the a hot bath and space out until I start dozing off.

Being a mom is hard work and being a stay at home mom is just completely nutts. I feel blessed that I get to stay home with my kids but sometimes I yearn for a career other than mom. With a 9 to 5 job it is just that, 9 to 5. Being a stay at home mom, my work day starts anywhere between 5am and 7am and ends anywhere between 8:30pm and 10pm. With two kids and one mom (me) there are no lunch breaks, no 15 min breaks and barely any bathroom breaks. Oh, and there are no sick days or vacation. You're sick, who cares, the kids still need to be fed, changed and entertained. Want to go on vacation?? Ok, but you have to take your work with you.

If it sounds like I am complaining it is because I am. As a stay at home mom I feel under appreciated. I hate the looks I get when someone asks where I work. They act as if staying at home to raise my kids is not work. I have had a job outside of the home and I can testify that staying at home with kids is WAY HARDER than it looks but it is WAY MORE SATISFYING. AT the end of the day I am completely worn out but at least it is because I have been taking care of my little family.

All I ask is that the next time you see a mom appreciate her. Whether or not she works at home or works outside the home. Appreciate her. Give her some respect. Show her some kindness.

And heaven forbid moms, quit trying to one up each other. Why can't we all just get together and talk like normal people with things going on in our lives besides our children. And please for the love of everything holy, stop the baby talk. Oh man, the baby talk drives me nutts. And don't ask my 6month old questions. She doesn't understand. If you want to know "why the itty bitty sweety is a wettle fuuuuuzzzy tooooday" just ask me.

Being a mom is hard work and all us moms need to stick together.

Now, on to figure out why Anna is screaming yet AGAIN.

Things I LOVE about the house

- the MASSIVE front porch
- the BIG back deck
- the beautiful staircase and foyer
- the hardwood floors
- the very DEEP kitchen sink
- that all the bedrooms are upstairs and it feels so cozy and relaxing up there
- being right by the park, the church, the library and paul's school
- having two living rooms (formal and family)
- the door chimes
- the crown molding in the family room
- the bay windows in the living rooms
- the lazy susan cabinet in the kitchen
- my cheep house payment

Moving on up

So, we've moved!! We have maybe a car load of stuff left at the other place and we still need to clean the other place but we are official residents of the new town that we are in. It feels really weird. Maybe it feels weird because I am so incredibly tired. I'm also a bit out of it. I have a bad cold and took some cold medicine. my head is floating and my fingers for some reason look really really long. Strange.

We have pretty much unpacked everything but we still have some odds and ends laying around. I'm trying not to be to neat freak about everything and work on taking care of the kids. It is difficult trying to "set up house" while taking care of a 3 year old that keeps getting everything out and an infant that keeps screaming and spitting up everywhere. I love my children but having them sure does make things like, taking a shower, getting dressed, making dinner and MOVING incredibly difficult.

Saturday was our main moving day. And if you can remember, it snowed Saturday. I woke up dreading the move, got dressed, ate some breakfast and then looked outside. "HOLY CRAP YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" Just my luck, it was snowing BIG TIME snowing. SNOWING!!!! :(

Colt came over around 10AM to help us move. I must pause here and say that if it wasn't for Colt we would either still be moving or I would be crushed my a washing machine. He was the only friend that was free to come help us. Thank you so much Colt!!

As soon as Colt arrived we piled in the uhaul and prepared ourselves for the ride of our lives. Think about it. Me trying my best to drive a packed Uhaul in the snow down the interstate with Colt and Roger laughing at any and everything. It was a little nutts but we had fun and most importantly, we didn't crash and die. YAY

Roger's mom and sister came up on Saturday and took the kids to their house. It was such a relief to get the kids out of the way. Paul was freaking out that we were packing up his toys. I tried to explain that we were taking them to the new house but he wouldn't calm down enough.

Colt helped us until 4:15pm and then he had to leave to go to work. What a great guy! He helped us load and unload two uhaul trips and then went to work from 6 to 11pm. I bet he was so tired.

Roger and I continued to work well into the evening. At about 8pm we finally finished unloading the last uhaul trip and decided to go out to eat. As soon as we got into the restraunt I collapsed on the table. I barely had enough energy to chew.

When we got back to the house I cleaned and unpacked the bathroom while Roger set up our bed. We had church the next morning so I was trying to get everything ready so we would be able to get dressed in the morning. As soon as my head hit the pillow (around 12:30) Roger rolled over and said "Oh I forgot we are suppose to light the advent candle at church tomorrow and we have to say a little something."

The next morning was CRAZY. None of our clothes were unpacked so we had to rummage around and find something, take a shower and rush to church. As soon as church was over I rushed back to the house and started unpacking. And that is what we have been doing eve since. It is nutts. COMPLETELY NUTTS. But I do love the house and the location is absolutely awesome. We have truly been blessed.

HELP

I am on the verge of giving up. How in the world am I suppose to pack up this place and move boxes to our new house while taking care of a teething and gassy 6 month old and a sick 3 year old. This is seriously nutts. You should have seen me yesterday. All I wanted to do was run away and hide in a hole.

I packed the car with boxes between feeding, changing, and soothing anna. Then I drove 30 minutes to our new house, went to wal-mart to buy light bulbs, smoke detectors, carbon dioxide detectors and a fire extinguisher. It took me a whole hour in Wal-mart because Lord knows why. Then I drove on to the new house and unpacked everything into the dinning room, including a screaming baby. Then I tried to unpack but Anna decided that she wanted to scream so for a whole hour I worked on soothing, feeding and changing her. before I new it I hadn't unpacked anything and it was time to go pick Paul up from his preschool.

So, I loaded the screaming baby up and picked up Paul and brought him back to the house with me. I attempted AGAIN to unpack the stuff and after 2 hours of unpacking a little, feeding a baby, unpacking a little more, fighting with Paul, unpacking a little more, changing Anna, unpacking a little more, changing Paul, I finally finished unpacking the small car load that I had brought.

I feel bad but I am just so mad at my kids at the moment. I know, "How can you be mad at a 6 month old and 3 year year old?" I'll tell ya. This is our first home and I want to do the whole first home "enjoy moving in" process. I want to be able to unpack my crap without constantly worrying about what those two little rascals are doing. And the screaming, oh my gosh, the screaming is really starting to get to me. Think about the torture of being locked in a room for 3 days with a screaming baby. It is just that, pure torture. I've given her orajel, gas meds, I offer her food, I change her diaper and she still screams. All I can do is give her some toys and walk out of the room. The screaming is psychologically draining. I want to cry.

I wish Roger and I could just go over to the house and unpack like normal people. But no, the majority of the time allotted to unpacking is spent wrangling kids.

Man alive. I am psychologically exhausted and want to run away to a beach with my Wendell Berry books until this whole moving thing is over. Or maybe I could just send the kids away until we have moved in so I can actually get some moving done

Papal

I am really missing my Grandfather (Papal). I know he passed away a little over a year ago but I still haven't fully gotten over it. I just feel so guilty. I should have driven the 2 hours to the hospital at 3am. I just should have. He was headed to the hospital because of back pain. How was I suppose to know that he was actually suffering pain from the aortic aneurism that had burst? It was 3am and I was half asleep when my mom called and she didn't act like it was that big of a deal. I should have thrown some clothes on and driven as fast as I could. I feel so incredibly guilty. I had to work the next day at the state psychiatric hospital at 7am and I knew I wouldn't be able to get off of work. Damn work. Damn that psychiatric hospital and all the crap that the nurse manager put me through. If only? If only?

My life changed at 5am on July 29. My mom called and told me that my Papal (my bestfriend, my mentor, the only person who has never really judged me for my faults) had passed away. He bled to death. He went all day bleeding internally and had no clue. I absolutely hate that I wasn't there for him when he most needed me. He was always there for me and I wasn't there for him.

Needless to say I called in to work, got dressed as fast as I could and drove as fast as I could to my Mamal's house 2 hours away. It was horrible. All I wanted to do was mourn with my family but everyone acted like it wasn't proper to cry. My family is not big on showing emotion. It made it worse. It made me miss my Papal even more. I walked into his room, curled up in a ball on his chair and cried until I had no more tears. I just wanted my Papal back.

The next day I was unable to get off of work (stupid psychiatric hospital) so I had to go to work and try to explain to my psych patients why I was walking around all day in tears. It sucked.

At the funeral I couldn't help but hold Papal's hand most of the night, kiss his forehead and rub my fingers through his hair. He was so cold. His hair was so soft. He looked so unreal. I couldn't believe that it was my Papal laying there. I wouldn't believe. IT felt like a dream.

When I went back to my mamal and papal's house after the funeral I noticed the tractor over in his field and someone was driving it. I immediately thought "It WAS a dream." and had the overwhelming urge to run out after him. Then I came to my senses. The next day I put on my walking shoes, headed out to Papal's farm and walked the fence row as long as it took for me to stop crying. That was the best thing that I could have done. Being all alone out on that 100 acres helped me to say goodbye to the person that meant so much to me.

I spoke at his funeral. The following is what I said:
Being the oldest of 16 grandchildren I felt that it was my responsibility to stand here today to let everyone know how much Papal loved his little buckaroos.

Papal was more than just your ordinary Papal. He was our friend and mentor. Seeing us succeed brought him great joy. It seemed like all he ever wanted to do was make us happy.

Looking back on my childhood all the happy memories are when I was with my Papal. He had the tendancy to make everyday things extrodinary. I ll never forget those long summer days spent on Bunkerhill being pushed in a tire swing by Papal or those cool spring afternoons riding in the back of his truck across the farm or even those rainy days when he would give each buckaroo 5 dollars and insist that Mamal take us all to the dollar store.

Life wont be the same without our Papal but it will go on. Right now we are feeling happy, sad, and confussed all at the same time. Happy that Papal is where he has always yearned to be. Sad that some of the younger buckaroos will never get to experience the wild and crazy adventurs of Papal. And confused because we just lost our best friend.

Papal, we love you so much. Our hearts ache for you. What we wouldn't give to have one more little adventure with you. Each and everyone of us feel incredibly blessed to have had a Papal like you. You truly were an incredible person.

You always told the older buckaroos to take care of the younger ones and I promise you that I will make sure that the little ones grow up knowing how much you loved them.

Thank you so much for loving us, teaching us and making us laugh. We love you Papal!

No matter how old we get we will always be your little buckaroos.




picture of mamal with some of the grandkids and a picture of the tire swing

saw a mouse

I was walking into the bathroom half asleep when all of a sudden a mouse crawled over my foot. I screamed terror and jumped in the laundry basket. Now that I am calm I'm thinking about how funny I must have looked to Roger when we ran into the bathroom and say me standing in a laundry basket half screaming/ half crying. I hope we catch that nasty thing.

Our first Home!

We bought our first home! How strange is that? I mean, seriously, I'm a little freaked out. I own a home. Oh man. What in the world have I gotten myself in to. I feel like I should be more excited than I am. I want to be excited. I guess I'm excited but not as excited as I thought that I would be. i'm thinking maybe it is because once you have given birth, twice, buying a house doesn't really seem as exciting. Lets see...house?....life?.....house?....life? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that having a baby is SO MUCH MORE exciting then buying a house. Nothing tops having a life made out of love!!! I'm thinking this is why people buy the house and then have the baby. I don't know. Just a thought.

Anyway, we own a home. YAAAAY Well, let me rephrase that....we own a house. Over the next couple of months we will be making it into a home. I hope (biting lip).

The whole closing process was a piece of cake. Don't roll your eyes at the screen. It WAS a piece of cake. the only thing about the house buying process that was annoying ( i wouldn't call it stressful) was getting my mutual fund closed out and a check sent to me. Darn Edward Jones could not seem to get anything right.

I must say, however, that I was feeling a little overwhelmed whilst sitting in the conference room at the bank with our attorney (this is another story), our loan officer, our realtor, the seller and the seller's realtor. I sat and stared at the stack of papers we were about to sign and rocked back and forth in my chair, while sitting on my hands. "What are we doing? Is this the right decision? Oh no, I'm signing my childhood away. I have to grow up now. I have a mortgage." At which point Roger looked at me with that crazy, creepy smile and all my fears and worries disappeared "yep, we're making the right decision."

I was feeling pretty calm and starting to get a little bit excited and then the seller handed me the keys. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. It was almost as if some random person on the street walked up, handed me their child and took off running. My immediate reaction was to slide them back across the table and say "ha, funny."

After the whole "holy moley we own a house" smile. We decided to get lunch from a local deli (SubWay) and have a picnic in OUR living room. It was so weird walking into a house that we own. I mean, we OWN a house. How unjasper is that??? OWNING a house. Anyway, we had a lovely lunch!

Then I drove across the street and picked up Paul from school. He has been soooooooooo excited about having his own house. He was very confussed a couple of weeks ago as to why we were not allowed to stay at the house. I tried to explain to him that mom and dad had to give the man money first and then he would give us a key. Well, yesterday while he was at his Nanna's house he found some change on the floor. He grabbed it real fast, jumped up and down and said "I can buy my new house now!!!!" So, when I picked him up from school I took him to the house. While we were on the porch I said "Paul, you know that money you found yesterday? I took it to the man. You know what he gave me??? A KEY!!!!" Then I pulled the key out of my pocket and he jumped up and down faster than I have ever seen him jump. We sat on the stairs in the foyer and enjoyed a snack of apples, marshmallows, and raisons. His little face was priceless. He is so excited and that makes me so happy!!!

Also, I drive around town this afternoon looking for a fitness center, a hair dresser, and cool stores. guess what I found??? THE PEDDLERS MALL!!!!! YAY. It's even better than the peddlers mall where we live now. less junk!!

To end this blog I must say how blessed I feel. God is truly amazing and I have no clue why he has blessed me so much. He amazes me!