Papal

I am really missing my Grandfather (Papal). I know he passed away a little over a year ago but I still haven't fully gotten over it. I just feel so guilty. I should have driven the 2 hours to the hospital at 3am. I just should have. He was headed to the hospital because of back pain. How was I suppose to know that he was actually suffering pain from the aortic aneurism that had burst? It was 3am and I was half asleep when my mom called and she didn't act like it was that big of a deal. I should have thrown some clothes on and driven as fast as I could. I feel so incredibly guilty. I had to work the next day at the state psychiatric hospital at 7am and I knew I wouldn't be able to get off of work. Damn work. Damn that psychiatric hospital and all the crap that the nurse manager put me through. If only? If only?

My life changed at 5am on July 29. My mom called and told me that my Papal (my bestfriend, my mentor, the only person who has never really judged me for my faults) had passed away. He bled to death. He went all day bleeding internally and had no clue. I absolutely hate that I wasn't there for him when he most needed me. He was always there for me and I wasn't there for him.

Needless to say I called in to work, got dressed as fast as I could and drove as fast as I could to my Mamal's house 2 hours away. It was horrible. All I wanted to do was mourn with my family but everyone acted like it wasn't proper to cry. My family is not big on showing emotion. It made it worse. It made me miss my Papal even more. I walked into his room, curled up in a ball on his chair and cried until I had no more tears. I just wanted my Papal back.

The next day I was unable to get off of work (stupid psychiatric hospital) so I had to go to work and try to explain to my psych patients why I was walking around all day in tears. It sucked.

At the funeral I couldn't help but hold Papal's hand most of the night, kiss his forehead and rub my fingers through his hair. He was so cold. His hair was so soft. He looked so unreal. I couldn't believe that it was my Papal laying there. I wouldn't believe. IT felt like a dream.

When I went back to my mamal and papal's house after the funeral I noticed the tractor over in his field and someone was driving it. I immediately thought "It WAS a dream." and had the overwhelming urge to run out after him. Then I came to my senses. The next day I put on my walking shoes, headed out to Papal's farm and walked the fence row as long as it took for me to stop crying. That was the best thing that I could have done. Being all alone out on that 100 acres helped me to say goodbye to the person that meant so much to me.

I spoke at his funeral. The following is what I said:
Being the oldest of 16 grandchildren I felt that it was my responsibility to stand here today to let everyone know how much Papal loved his little buckaroos.

Papal was more than just your ordinary Papal. He was our friend and mentor. Seeing us succeed brought him great joy. It seemed like all he ever wanted to do was make us happy.

Looking back on my childhood all the happy memories are when I was with my Papal. He had the tendancy to make everyday things extrodinary. I ll never forget those long summer days spent on Bunkerhill being pushed in a tire swing by Papal or those cool spring afternoons riding in the back of his truck across the farm or even those rainy days when he would give each buckaroo 5 dollars and insist that Mamal take us all to the dollar store.

Life wont be the same without our Papal but it will go on. Right now we are feeling happy, sad, and confussed all at the same time. Happy that Papal is where he has always yearned to be. Sad that some of the younger buckaroos will never get to experience the wild and crazy adventurs of Papal. And confused because we just lost our best friend.

Papal, we love you so much. Our hearts ache for you. What we wouldn't give to have one more little adventure with you. Each and everyone of us feel incredibly blessed to have had a Papal like you. You truly were an incredible person.

You always told the older buckaroos to take care of the younger ones and I promise you that I will make sure that the little ones grow up knowing how much you loved them.

Thank you so much for loving us, teaching us and making us laugh. We love you Papal!

No matter how old we get we will always be your little buckaroos.




picture of mamal with some of the grandkids and a picture of the tire swing