I sat in the back, trying to be alone, but no matter how far back I went I was still amongst them.
It has a way of doing that.
That's why during times like this, I run.
But this time was different, I didn't run. This time I leaned into it.
As I walked down to recieve communion by intinction I felt an arm wrap around me. A fellow Christian reaching out, consoling me, acknowledging that it was okay, in this place, at this time, to grieve, to seek comfort in the community of believers.
As I took the bread, dipped it into the cup, placed it within my mouth, I was filled.
God was with me.
His body was surrounding me.
The tears that flowed were not of sadness, but of gratitude. Even at such a time as this I can find rest.
Because I don't want anyone to worry I will quickly update you on what is going on.
Monday I wasn't feeling well after my 1st class so I decided to skip out on the rest o the school day and head home early.
Tuesday I woke up peeing a little bit of blood, but by the end of the day I was peeing a LOT of bright red blood and was begged by my husband to do to urgent care.
At urgent care I was diagnosed with a Kidney Infection.
Being that I had no other symptoms besides the blood in my urine, they wanted to later check for kidney cancer. Just a precaution.
Starting Thursday I begin to have mild discomfort in my upper abdomen.
By Sunday afternoon the mild discomfort began to turn into pain. The pain started in the middle of my chest and radiated up through my left side and left arm.
By 4:30pm I could take it no longer so I headed to Urgent Care. I figured it was either a gallbladder attack, very bad indigestion, or a possible side effect of the medicine.
While at Urgent Care I was so uncomfortable with the chest pain that I started to break out in a sweat. When the doctor walked in the exam room I tried by best to explain my symptoms. At that point it was hurting so bad that I could no longer hold back the tears of stress.
Once the Doctor say my medical history they gave me an aspirin, hooked me up to a monitor and oxygen, and called the ambulance.
I refused the ambulance, saying that I would drive myself to the ER, but they were insistent that I did not drive.
So I had them call my husband to come pick me up.
Roger arrived with the kids in tow.
The doctors were still insistent that I take the ambulance. So, In the end I took the ambulance and felt like a total idiot. I just KNEW it had nothing to do with my heart but whenever people see my heart history, on top of me having chest pain, they freak out.
Once in the ER I refused all medical tests involving my heart. As I signed the papers saying that I would not sue the hospital if I indeed died of a heart attack, I explained to the doctors and RNs that it WAS something in my stomach area.
Little Anna refused to get near me, while Paul stood in the corner praying. I could see that this whole ordeal was upsetting the kids so I asked Roger try to find someone to come get them.
Our good friend Carla, who has 2 children of her own, got our kids and our house key. She fed them dinner, took our dog out to pee, grabbed all the stuff that the kids would need for school the next day, and took them to her house. Such a BIG help!
After a million tests the verdict was . . . "We don't know why you are hurting, but here is a prescription for some antacids."
Damn it.
That was the WHOLE reason I went to urgent care. I knew I probably had something simple like that. Since I was already in the ER I requested an ultra sound on my aorta, kidneys and gallbladder. That seems to be all ruled out so I am feeling mentally MUCH better.
Well, minus the bill from the ambulance and the ER.
A few days ago Roger and I had our first real fight in a while. I honestly have no clue what it was even about. I do however remember the tension that was in the car as we drove the kids to school.
Oh wait, now I know what the fight was about!
It was about something incredibly stupid.
You'll laugh when I tell you.
Roger, who was driving at the time, was taking a different route than I usually take and was trying to tell me that it is quicker. I was telling him that he was a "Mr Know it all" and to stop, "my route is faster." That spiraled into one of those crazy random marital spats that inevitably bring up past mistakes and end with that odd tension in the air.
Once the kids were dropped off we headed to the fitness center. Roger, having put the car in park, placed my water bottle on the seat next to me. Being that it didn't have a lid on it and that I had no clue he was putting it there, the water bottle tipped over, spilling water all over my butt.
So, there I was, mad and getting ready to walk into the fitness center with a VERY wet butt. As I was walking in, sulking, I noticed that I had at least half of the water bottle left. What did I do with it? Well, I ran up to Roger and poured it all down the front of his shirt.
Yep.
I did.
What did Roger do?
He gave a little chuckle and said "ok. that's fair."
Right then and there we realized how insane our little marital spat was. We apologized, giggled some more, and headed on into the fitness center.
Of course, when we got inside the people at the front desk asked why we were both so wet.
"he spelt water on me so I poured water on him."
***blank stare from behind the counter***
Why am I telling you this personal story?
I have no clue.
Maybe it is because I want to share the importance of being able to laugh at yourself. Laughter is what gets me through so much. SO MUCH.
Don't take life too serious.
Laugh.
Sometimes I forget that.
Fortunately I am married to a man that NEVER forgets that.
Yes, sometimes it is annoying, but in the end it is good.
I am pretty sure the key to a healthy marriage is laughter.
Yep. I am almost positive.
I know Roger and I have only been married 9 years, but all the people I know that have been happily married for a REALLY long time laugh a LOT.
There MUST be something to it.
Go forth and laugh!
Take a look at this video. I think you will really like it.
I went to class this morning unprepared for the cooler weather. Being that I live 2hrs from campus I couldn't just run home to grab something. This afternoon, with time to kill between classes, I ran (drove) to the local Goodwill in search of a sweater.
As I walked through the back door of the library I caught a glimpse of myself. Everything that I had on, literally from head to toe, was either bought at Goodwill or given to me out of the goodness of someones heart.
My hair- Two lovely ladies at the church bought me a VERy generous gift certificate to the local salon I use. I have had free haircuts for almost a yr now, including the kids. Best Christmas present EVER.
My glasses- My Mother works for an eye doctor and gets a 2 free eyeglasses a year. The doctor, out of the goodness of his heart, gives me a free exam and my WONDERFUL Mother gives me one of her free pairs of frames.
My clothes- Goodwill finds
My umbrella - Goodwill find while we were on vacation (yes, I hunt out the goodwills in the expensive neighborhoods)
My Shoes- My Mother-In-Law knew how much I wanted Chacos, but could not afford them, so she got them for me for my 25th birthday.
My backpack- A VERY kind woman in a church was selling a backpack that she had originally gotten for her daughter, but said daughter didn't like the color. I offered to buy it off of her, for a reasonable price, but she refused to take the money, saying it was a Seminary gift.
My purse- I would say this is out of the kindness of her heart, but, in all honesty, I think my mom got tired of my carrying around crap bags so she bought me a very nice 31purse. Thanks Mom!!!
As I stood looking at my reflection, like a crazy person, I was humbled. I am so incredbily thankful for the wonderful people that our in my life. Joy! Joy is what they bring me.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Hello blog world!
It's that time of year again.
I head up to see my cardiologist for the BIG look around this Friday.
Please be praying for me around 11:15am Sep 13th?
I always tell myself that I'm not nervous, but clearly I am.
I mean, I'm looking up all of this information on the internet that I have already looked up before. Information about my heart condition that I look up every year about this time.
"High risk of sudden cardiac arrest" read the websites.
I'm a little freaked out that my appointment is on Friday the 13th.
I don't know why I'm freaked out. I just am.
It's friday the 13th.
Isn't that a bad luck day?
I should reschedule.
The bottom line, that I have to keep reminding myself, is that non of us know when our last breath will be. Each day is a precious gift.
so happy to get my new pacemaker
I will never take one second of this gift for granted.
Last night, for the first time in several months, I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't get those awful images out of my mind. The images of my two cousins tucked into their coffins.
This last year still feels like a dream. So much loss. So much pain. So much confusion.
"It is dark. He does not know where he is. And then he sees pale light from the street soaking in above the dawn drapes. It is not a light to see by, but only makes the darkness visible."- Remembering, a novel by Wendell Berry.
Grief is a tricky thing. You think you are making progress, then all of a sudden you are back at stage one . . . SHOCK.
This past weekend Roger and I went to visit with his family. Before heading into town we stopped by Gran's grave for a visit.
It was harder than we imagined it would be. Looking at the grave brought back the memories of sitting by her bedside, holding her hand as she struggled to hold on during those last few days of her life.
Paul - "The little lego thing that I made for Granny Janet is still in the coffin with her, right?"
Me- "Yes. And the little picture that Anna drew for her is in there too."
I'm tired.
I find myself wanting to spend the day on the couch.
I forced myself into the shower.
Forced myself to fix my hair.
I'm forcing myself to write a little something on this blog.
Later I will force myself to work on Seminary stuff.
I know all of these things will eventually help. They are helping.
My heart is becoming lighter. The tears are slowing down.
Psalm 102: 1-2 Hear my prayer, Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly."
Life is rough sometimes.
So many people I know and love are going through such hard times right now. From the loss of babies, to the loss of Grandparents, to the loss of marriages. Lord, hear our prayers.
