Hello blog world!

It's that time of year again. 

I head up to see my cardiologist for the BIG look around this Friday.

Please be praying for me around 11:15am Sep 13th?

I always tell myself that I'm not nervous, but clearly I am. 

I mean, I'm looking up all of this information on the internet that I have already looked up before. Information about my heart condition that I look up every year about this time.

 "High risk of sudden cardiac arrest" read the websites.

I'm a little freaked out that my appointment is on Friday the 13th.

I don't know why I'm freaked out.  I just am.

It's friday the 13th.

Isn't that a bad luck day?  

I should reschedule. 

The bottom line, that I have to keep reminding myself, is that non of us know when our last breath will be.  Each day is a precious gift.

so happy to get my new pacemaker

I  will never take one second of this gift for granted.  

Summer 2013

 

 

 

 

Summer 2008

Winter 2009

Summer 2010

Lord, Hear our Prayers

I'm having a rough day, emotionally

Last night, for the first time in several months, I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't get those awful images out of my mind. The images of my two cousins tucked into their coffins. 

This last year still feels like a dream. So much loss. So much pain. So much confusion. 

"It is dark. He does not know where he is. And then he sees pale light from the street soaking in above the dawn drapes. It is not a light to see by, but only makes the darkness visible." - Remembering, a novel by Wendell Berry.

Grief is a tricky thing. You think you are making progress, then all of a sudden you are back at stage one . . .  SHOCK. 

This past weekend Roger and I went to visit with his family. Before heading into town we stopped by Gran's grave for a visit. 

It was harder than we imagined it would be. Looking at the grave brought back the memories of sitting by her bedside, holding her hand as she struggled to hold on during those last few days of her life.

Paul - "The little lego thing that I made for Granny Janet is still in the coffin with her, right?"
Me- "Yes. And the little picture that Anna drew for her is in there too."

I'm tired.

I find myself wanting to spend the day on the couch.

I forced myself into the shower.

Forced myself to fix my hair.

I'm forcing myself to write a little something on this blog.

Later I will force myself to work on Seminary stuff.

I know all of these things will eventually help. They are helping.
My heart is becoming lighter.    The tears are slowing down.

Psalm 102: 1-2
Hear my prayer, Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly."

Life is rough sometimes.
So many people I know and love are going through such hard times right now. From the loss of babies, to the loss of Grandparents, to the loss of marriages. Lord, hear our prayers. 

Seminary: Day 1, Year 2

Monday, August 26th, was my first day back to Seminary. My 2nd full year back.

I was both excited and nervous, but mostly nervous.

To add to the nervousness I had alarm clock issues which caused me to be 30 min late to my first class, on the first day.  

Crap. 

However, after my first class was complete, the syllables gone over, the reassurance from the professor that we are all capable and competent students, I was more than ready to dig into the learning process.

My class load this semester:

9-Noon  Church History

1pm-4pm Old Testament

6pm-9pm Leadership in the Church

The class that I was the most nervous about, Church History, seems to be the one that I am the most excited about. 

Mainly because I am going into it knowing pretty much NOTHING.  

I know. I know.  I am married to a person that is obsessed with Church History. How can I know little to nothing about it? 

Well, honestly, I probably know more than what I give myself credit for.  But let's be truthful, it's not something that, like my husband, I obsess over. 

I, unlike my husband, do not lug church history books to the beach for some casual reading.  

I do, however, suffer through the long late night ramblings of said husband about Church History. 

Some of that information has stuck in my head over the years, of which, at this point in my adult life, I am thankful for! 

Being that I have one full year of Seminary under by belt, I think this year I am going into it knowing what to expect and what is expected out of me.  Maybe that is why I was so nervous about heading back to class on Monday?  I had first hand experiance of how incredibly hard graduate level work can be.

I came across this quote while reading a book for my Church Leadership class:

"If you deliberately set out to be less than you are capable, you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life." -Abraham Maslow

This is going to be my quote for this semester!  It is a good reminder that no matter how challenging it is to juggle career, parenthood, and marriage, that I would be incredibly unhappy if I didn't continue to push myself to do the things that I KNOW that I am capable of doing.

You can ask my husband, an unhappy Jessica is NOT a fun person to live with.  

Here is to a great semester full of books, massive papers, lots of hair pulling, late night tears, and LEARNING!!!  

 God Bless the Seminary student . . .  and all the family members that support us.

  

I am on 3 different heart medications at the moment. It seems that my medication load increases every couple of years. Which is normal for someone with my congenital heart defect. I am sure that over the years the meds will increase even more.

The most frustrating thing for me, being a mother and a student, is the tiredness that comes with these medications. I do everything that a "normal" person is suppose to do. I eat right, get plenty of sleep, exercise. But I am still left with the need to take a few cat naps throughout the day.  

I feel lazy when I give into the need to rest. I look like a "normal" person, therefor I should feel like a "normal" person. But, as my husband keeps reminding me, it is okay to rest when I need to.  

When the tiredness rushes over me it feels as if my heart can not stand to beat one more second.I have to plop down ASAP.  I've taken to explaining to the kids when I have to lay down that "Mommy needs to rest her heart muscle for a bit."  By me explaining this they are really good about letting me rest. Anna will often color by my feet while Paul grabs a book to read. 

With seminary starting back I am not looking forward to the long Mondays.  Class is 2hs away and lasts for 3hrs. I have 3 classes once again this semester. Like every other Seminary student that attends BSK, I will be non stop going from 6am until 11:30pm.  When Tuesday morning comes I feel horrid, like I have just woken up from a rough surgery. 

I have been in a little bit of a panic this last week trying to figure out how in the world I am going to fit all the studying that needs to take place into our already full, yet manageable, schedule. But even though I have lingering doubts, like I did at this time last year, about whether or not I am going to be able to juggle Seminary, I am super excited to start back. I really enjoy the learning process and look forward to connecting once again to my little Seminary community!

Anna's First Bus Ride

Anna rode the bus home this afternoon. She's been begging to be a bus rider since kindergarten started. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about my 5yr old riding the bus.  It kinda made me unsure. I didn't let Paul start riding the bus home until he was in the 1st grade. Even then I was a bit nervous. 

But Anna insisted and I allowed it. Just one more step towards independence for her, I guess. 

I sat on the front porch, reading, while I waited for her bus to pull up. In the end, Anna got home earlier riding the bus than when I pick her up

Me -"How was your first bus ride?"    (expecting that she had a great time.

Anna - (with disgust on her face) "It was TERRIBLE. The bus was full of boys and they wouldn't stop talking about pee-pee and poo-poo and butts."

It was all I could do not to laugh.

It's almost friday

This last week has been spent catching up with house work and getting ready for Seminary to start back.  I'm slowly becoming emotionally ready to jump back into the world of lots of reading and MASSIVE papers. . . . and insane amounts of driving.

With both of the kids at school from 8am to 2pm, and no homework as of yet for me, I have a chunk of time during the day to get things done around the house. It's been fun, and a bit exhausting.

This morning was spent getting my home office ready. Over the summer the kids turned this room upside down. Believe me, it was a MESS. But now look at it! It clearly is calling out to me "come Jess, come sip coffee and study."

Next weekend I am planning a yard sale. You know, to get some school money (and get rid of stuff). Therefor, next week will be devoted to cleaning out the closets and the garage!! 

YAY!!! 

 I joke, but honestly, I love to sort . . .  and get rid of stuff.   It clears my mind and makes me want to dance.  

School Year 2013/14

My blood pressure got pretty high last night. Well, high for me. I usually have really low blood pressure. The fact that it was 190/90 was frightening and incredibly painful. 

In true Jessica fashion, I saw my impending death flash before my eyes.  

My husband calmed me down with laughter and breathing exercises. 

Once he reminded me that I had all the right in the world to have high blood pressure, being that it was the night before the start of the school year, my blood pressure started going down, I began to feel better, and I was able to fall asleep.

Paul and Anna started back to school this morning. Paul is in 2nd grade and Anna is in Kindergarten. They both were incredibly excited to be back and were very adamant about me leaving the school building ASAP.   Since when is it not cool to give mom and dad a hug goodbye?

My Seminary classes don't start back until Aug 26th.  THANK GOD.

We just got back from some major road tripping and I have NOTHING ready. The laundry is piled high, the refrigerator is EMPTY, and our yard is a JUNGLE.  And I have no clue how this happened, but our car has turned into a giant ant farm.  Where did they come from?

Not to mention the fact that I need to go through the kid's clothes and toys. That's the point in which I am thankful I only have 2children. So. Much. Stuff.

Needless to say, I have a lot to keep me busy between the hours of 8am and 2pm for the next 2wks.

Honestly, I am excited for the beginning of a new school year. It is a tad bit nice to have a small amount of alone time once again. I'm a better mother and wife when the introvert part of me gets fed!