Forgiveness

I have a major flaw in me that I must confess. I'm hoping that if I make it public by writing a blog about it that I will be able to just let it go.

Here it goes. When someone hurts me emotionally I have a horrible time with forgetting it. It just sits there in my mind and plagues me. All I can think about for years after is "poor me. poor little Jessica. they were so mean to me." I really need to stop that. A woman who heard I was going to seminary once said "well, that just aint biblical." I disagree with her on that but I can apply that to the way I hold onto hurt feelings.

Here is the story that has been plaguing me since college. I have confessed to several of my friends and family but I just feel the need to confess on the world wide web.

I got married young. I had just turned 20 nine days before my wedding. It was the summer after my sophomore year. It only took me a small 6 months to get pregnant. I was, after the initial shock of being pregnant in college, so incredibly excited. Being in a sorority when ever anyone gets engaged they have a candle light. Everyone stands in a circle, with the lights off, passes a lit candle around 3 times and then the person that is engaged, announces their engagement by blowing out the candle when it gets to them. I blew out the candle. Everyone was confused. I was already married. Then I let them all know my big news..."I'm pregnant!"

And that is the day many of my friendships disappeared. Not all of them. And I am thankful for those you stuck with me. VERY VERY VERY VERY thankful to them! But several of them just disappeared.

I tried very hard after that to connect with my "friends" but there was always this strange something fogging communication. At one point I went in the bathroom and cried very hard when the sorority told me they would fine me for not showing up to set up for rush when I told them "I am having horrible morning sickness and I am exhausted. Can you just let me sit this one out?"

When Paul was 3 months old the whole sorority decided to go on a sisterhood retreat in the mountains. We all rented a big cabin and stayed there together. The problem was that my husband had to work that weekend and I was still having the new mom "I can't travel with a baby" thing going on. But I found out one of the girls who kinda faded away, friendship wise, was planning on going and I thought several hours in the car and a weekend at a cabin, would be a great way to work on our friendship. She agreed to carpool to the mountains with me, even came over to watch me get the car packed with an ungodly amount of baby stuff. But then at the last minute, as we were getting ready to pull out of the drive, she decided she didn't want to ride with me. Another girl, Kendell, whom I am so thankful for. Carpooled with me and helped me with Paul the whole weekend and the rest of my college years!

When we got to the cabin the same thing happened again. All the girls decided they wanted to go shopping. I had a baby and NO MONEY so I was going to stay back at the cabin. The friend that I was trying to work on our friendship was there and had told me that she was going to stay at the cabin to work on some work. I was going to stay with her and work on some of my homework as well. Then at the last minute she decided she wanted to go shopping. We both packed up. I packed up the baby and a stroller. She climbed into the backseat with the baby and then said "hummm never mind. I'm going to ride with Steph."

The whole shopping with a bunch of girls and a baby that no one seemed to like, was horrible. I was left outside the stores, with the stroller, to hold everyone's stuff. The bag girl!

On the way back to the cabin we all (the whole sorority) stopped to eat at the big Apple Barn. They decided to take a group picture in front of the gazebo. They didn't want "the baby" in the picture. I stood off to the side, holding little Paul and watched as they took a group shot. When we sat down I tried to sit with the so called "friend" but once again she wanted to sit with someone else. When I finally got seated at a table one of the girls said "oh shit. do i have to sit by THAT BABY."

Needless to say I came home from the retreat completely pissed off and incredibly hurt.I later went alum so I didn't have to deal with all the crap any longer. And that "friend" that I tried so hard to get back in touch with. Well, I just kept working on it and finally, just several months ago, I kinda gave up. I'm tired of working on a relationship that doesn't really exist. I need to focus more of my attention on relationships that I do have.

The next year of college Roger was voted "Alpha Gam man of the year." He was the sorority guy! When it came time to get the pictures made for the composite the girls that were working on getting everyone set up, announced to the whole campus basically, that the reason why he was "made alpha gam man is because he got an AGD knocked up." How incredibly hurtful that was.

See, these are small little things that I should just forgive and forget. They have nothing to do with my current happiness. I am blessed with a beautiful little family and I MADE IT THROUGH COLLEGE! But I can't. I was so hurt. Here I was a young married woman excited about being pregnant, starting a family, sharing my life with my "friends." Then I was abandoned, alienated, made to feel like my child was an "it" and was not welcome.

The beautiful thing about all of this is that I was able to get really close to several guys in my husband's fraternity. You always hear about how great girls are at nurturing but let me tell you from experience, guys are way better. They helped take care of Paul and I. Played with him! Babysat him! Took him for boxer runs around campus. Made sure there was space for all of us at the table in the caf. They even put him in their composite picture as "house baby." They all stepped up to help. To be a part of our lives when we most needed someone. Still to this day they are uncle figures to both of our children. Paul calls them his "bestessss friends in the whole world." Anna thinks they are all hilarious and gets really excited when they come over.

I need to focus on the positive. There are a LOT of positive things in my life. A lot of fantastic people. But I have a horrible time at that. My brain can only think negative things towards certain people that treated me horribly. So, this is my letting go. I am throwing it into the space of the internet and letting it go. I am forgiving right now. I am going to try to forget. Paul is going to be 5 years old this month and I want to start with new. This has been on my mind way too long. There is no point in it festering in there any longer. So what they never said sorry or really thought they were doing anything wrong. I am still going to forgive. That is the hard part of forgiveness is forgiving someone who really never knew they hurt you.