cardiologist appointment

My cardiologist walked into the room with a concerned parental look on his face, sat in the chair, crossed his arms and said "so, tell me what's been going on."  This was after he had reviewed the results from my pacemaker interrogation. i had no clue what he was talking about. "Have you been having chest pains, shortness of breath, accelerations?"  I thought and thought and all I could think of was when I have been exercising how incredibly painful it has been. But being me I have been pushing on through the pain thinking "I can do it. I can do it."  That's when my cardiologist had me explain my work out regiment and informed me that I could be damaging my already damaged heart. I was in SHOCK.  Then he started talking about the seriousness of it by saying "you have little ones now."  He has given me a halter monitor to take home and put on the day I participate in the jogging stroller fitness class.  He also set me up for an extreme version of the famous stress test.  He said "from there we will decide what you should and should not be doing."

The reality of this scares me. The fact that I have a serious heart condition scares me. The possibility of dropping dead at an early age frightens me. I want to grow old with Roger. I want to see my children have children. At one point today my cardiologist said "Jessica, you are in denial. You are in denial that you have a heart condition."  I had to sit and think for a bit and then I realized that I have been in denial my whole life. I go about things as if I am a perfectly healthy individual. I try my hardest to live a very active life. Hiking. Swimming. Biking. Running. Pushing myself to the breaking point. There are times when I push and push and push until I literally drop on the ground in exhaustion. I am constantly telling myself that I am just out of shape and need to just push myself a little harder.  But the fact is I have a congenital heart defect. My chest has been sliced open, my heart has been totally reconstructed and I have a machine hooked up to me that tells my heart how and when to pump. I need to let that sink in. The sinking in process really hurts emotionally. I am in denial. Denial.  I need a thin mint blizzard from DQ.    

I need to cry. I hate being told that I can't do something. I hate being told that what I am doing could be damaging my already damaged heart. I enjoy the challenge of pushing myself. While I am exercising I feel normal. I feel ALIVE.  But now I know that I could possibly be putting myself in the grave even earlier because of my denial. because of my need to push myself. Because of my need to feel normal.

I'm not normal and I HATE it.  I just HATE it so bad that I want to put my running shoes on and run until I fall dead.  Or maybe I'll just throw something really hard and then go get that thin mint blizzard from DQ.

I don't want this. I don't want to worry about this. I don't want to think about this. Why?  Why?  Sometimes I ask "why God?  Why me? WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!  Why did I live?  Why?" All I can say is there must be something GREAT that God wants to do through me.  

Then on top of this my cardiologist informs me that my insurance company is having some sort of argument with the hospital and refusing to work with them (pay).  Then he banged his head on the wall  a few times while screaming "aaaaaaaahh  I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES."  But he ended up figuring out a way that we could sneak around the system and get my tests paid for!!! He is sending me to the Jewish hospital across the street!!! :)  I'm telling ya.  He is a GREAT doctor.

Ok, enough of the pity party and back to some sort of denial.  Man, I need to find a therapist. I'm being serious. I have so many emotional issues that stem from having this heart condition. So many "why God" questions. I'm constantly searching and asking.

Thank the Lord that Roger went with me today or I would have cried the whole way home. Instead we went out for a nice quite lunch, explored a locally owned book store and sat on a sunny patio sipping coffee. At least I have an amazing husband, and two beautiful and healthy children to put a smile on my face during times of uncertainty. If I do die at a young age at least I have given something to the world.  Love and Life